Private Journal Entry - October 27, 2009

This "private journal entry" was originally written for my eyes only.  A way to express myself openly and truthfully without feeling judged.  The emotions are raw, the writing, blunt and unedited, the feelings are sometimes very hard to revisit (at least the negative ones), but so very very real.

It is now published as part of my mental health timeline.  To start from the beginning, visit: Through Hell and Back (more than once)-Timeline of Recovery and Discovery.  

October 27, 2009

Tonight I am so full of emotions, I can’t sleep.  I have so much guilt and regret about the past, concern with the present and utter fear about the future.

I plead with the Lord tonight to redeem me from the past; the anger, the rage, the mental and emotional abuse towards my family and yet, can’t see how it’s possible.  

I’m still failing them.  Especially Gabe.  Poor Gabe.

What has he done to deserve this treatment?  Nothing.  Nothing at all.  Old habits die hard and I still find myself on his back constantly.

I have extreme fears over what’s to come when this baby is here.  I can’t go back to the way it was before.  I can’t…I’m not strong enough.

I find myself wondering “what was I thinking” getting pregnant and “what am I going to do?”

I love this baby…I really, really do and yet I am very afraid for it to be here.  I already have feelings of rejection (as in, rejecting the baby).  I have visions of me setting it aside and not caring for it or about it.  IT SCARES ME!

What if things are worse this time?  What if I get so angry I actually truly hurt someone (my kids or myself)?  I’m scared out of my mind about it.

I prayed tonight that Rob, my doctors, and I would be more aware of the situation this time. 

Please Heavenly Father…please help me to get through it.

I’ve shed a lot of tears tonight.  I’m grateful for tears.  I didn’t cry before…didn’t feel like I was capable.  So…for the tears I am grateful…very grateful!

I love my family.  Deeply.  I have been very blessed to have them stick with me through this horrible journey. 

Rob’s my rock, my anchor on this earth and my Savior, my rock in heaven. 

I need them both. 

Thank goodness I have them.