June 26, 2012

Hi...My Name is Melanie and I am mature enough to admit that I sleep with a security blanket

"Oh...You're just a BABY!"

These words will forever haunt me.  As the youngest of 7 children, each year when my birthday rolls around, I hear these words over and over. This year was no exception.  (except this time they came from a friend..ha ha ha).

At age 31 (and two days), I guess I am still in the stages of infancy, in the grand eternal scheme of things.  I get that.  But after being told countless times by older siblings how "immature" I was as a pre-pubescent, I'm beginning to wonder if I will EVER "grown up" in some peoples eyes.  Sigh....

Although, being a baby (or "the baby") does have it's advantages.

#1  Being my dad's "baby girl" (of five daughters) makes me feel just special.  He had tears in his eyes as we danced to "Butterfly Kisses" at my wedding reception.  The memory still melts my heart.  I'll cherish that forever.
#2  Four years ago, when my third child was about one year old, I got to travel "home" without my kiddos.  My dad picked me (and my sister) up from the airport and I felt young and free of responsibilities.  As I spent the evening with my family, I basked in the glow of being the "baby" again, instead of being at home taking care of my own babies.  I needed that.  Good Times! 
#3  I have 6 older siblings who watch over me with a fierce protectiveness (which may, or may not, be to make up for torturing me as a child.)  It's an awesome feeling.  Someone's always got my back...and that feels good.
 #4  And, most recently, I am more than grateful for my lack of maturity and have found great comfort in reverting to more childlike behavior.

I'll explain.

Over two decades ago my mother lovingly "tied" me a quilt for my bed.  It was white with little pink flowers.  The first several years of it's life saw plenty of use causing plenty of wear.  At one point, I took the time to stitch closed, quite haphazardly, the variety of rips and tears it had sustained, using matching white yarn my mother had stored. 

I think I must have loved that little quilt in order to have taken the time to do such a thing. 

Since those days, so long ago, the quilt has followed me around from place to place, forgotten and overlooked, stored on a high shelf in a closet or tucked away in a box somewhere.  Despite receiving very little use, it has continued to age. It now looks quite old and sad.  The fabric is so worn that the once, white cotton fibers, are now gray and have a worn down, somewhat silky quality to them.  There are several "new" holes and tears, and the batting has long since separated in the center (you can hold it up and see the light through it).  It has, without a doubt, seen better days.

Recently, I have rediscovered my love for this old quilt of mine and it has once again been put to good use.  We're somewhat inseparable, it and I.   I've lovingly named it, my "blankie".  It's true...ask my husband.  (It's okay...you can laugh.)

The story...

This past winter was pretty difficult.  I was back in the throws of depression (thanks to my adventures in life without medication) and I felt cold and numb...emotionally and physically (our previous house was always FREEZING in the winter).

One day, during nap time, I ended up grabbing the old white and pink quilt, curling up in a recliner with a cup of hot cocoa (my "vodka"--aka life coping liquid, since I don't drink alcohol), and a good book, hoping to find a "happy place" outside the reaches of my own miserable head.

Something weird happened.  It worked.  I found it.  My "happy place".

I discovered that not only did this quilt give me warmth physically (I call it "insta-warmth") but it also filled my heart with a warmth of days past.  Better days...happier days....easier days.  I found myself looking for excuses not to be productive during nap time but to "chill" so I could curl up more often and enjoying the overall good feelings that ensued. 

And then "it" happened.

In April, amidst the calamity of packing and moving my family (and all that that entails), my world came crashing down around me.  I was knocked upside the head with what I term "The Bombshell".  I was shocked, I was hurt and I was, once again, cold and numb.  I went to bed that night, curled up cocoon style in "my blankie", trying with all the fiber of my being, to find a sliver of warmth and comfort to get me through the night. 

And so it continued night after night after night.

As I have worked on recovering (at least from the shock), coping, and healing from "The Bombshell", "my blankie" and I have remained as close as ever.  :)  As the nights have warmed it has gone from wrapping me in a cocoon, to laying over me, to snuggling at my side and now lays across my pillow.

It's silky softness against my cheek still has a way of warming my heart and reassuring me that "everything will be okay.... someday".

The shrapnel from this difficult life experience will forever be with me.  It will never completely go away but as time goes on, the open wounds will heal.  I'll be okay.  

Despite what you might be thinking....I can go without this scrap of cloth.  I don't HAVE to sleep with it.  I just like to.  It's nice to have something tangible to hold on to.  Something that will never hurt you.  

Call me a "baby", call me "immature".....whatever.  This time it doesn't bother me.  In fact, I'll take it as a badge of pride. 

I love "my blankie".  It's awesome. 

Don't be too jealous.  

For all y'all quirkies out there like me...do you have something tangible like "my blankie" that you cling to in times of need?  Just wondering.

BTW, MMUW celebrated it's very first blogiversary 5 days ago (the 21st) and I didn't even notice AND this is my 100th post.  YEAY FOR MMUW!!! 

P.S. I love to hear from you!
Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

June 25, 2012

Project Savor

Yep...I'm one of those bloggers. You know the ones that say they are going to do something and then don't (thinking of my last post). Well, there's a reason for not following through on "Project Positivity". It's not a very good one...but one, nonetheless. The day I posted about it was a very "up" day ...and since then, I'm just not feeling it. I'd like to be...but I'm not. Lame, I know. But you know the saying, "It is what it is."

Instead I'm going to focus on something new.

 "Savoring" life (or "Project Savor" as my mom termed it).

Savor?  Savor?  What does it mean "to savor"?  I'll tell you... SAVOR (verb): 1. derive or receive pleasure from; get enjoyment from; take pleasure in.

Hah....that is SO NOT ME.  I never take the time to savor anything.  ANYTHING.  My children, a freshly cleaned bathroom, a beautiful outdoor landscape, a long luxurious bath or a handful of yummy chocolatey somethings.  Never.

I have a tendency to be very impatient, desiring to move through life at a rapid pace.  On to the "next thing" before I can even finish the last.  Why walk when you can run?  Why wait when you can push ahead?  Why slow down when you can speed up?    You get the picture.  (There is nothing I hate more than being stuck behind someone who actually drives the speed limit.  It kills me.) 

I'm always frantically moving on to the "next thing" hoping to find satisfaction therein.  Does it work?  NEVER.  Quantity over quality.  Is it ever enough?  No.

Hmmmm...something to think on...and I have been....a lot.

I was never one to dream of having children.  I just always knew that I would.  And I always believed that I would have a fairly "large" family....at least large in most people's perspective.  And you know what?  I didn't want to drag it out forever.  "Just get it over with and move on" was my motto.  ("Move on to what?" you ask.  "Life silly...." What else?)  And believe me...we tried.  But it didn't always work out.  Five miscarriages interspersed between my 4 children has caused a further spacing than originally planned.  (What ever happened to being done by 30?)
My boys--June 2012
Each time I have miscarried and received a priesthood blessing the message is always the same "the Lord is grateful for my willingness to bring more children into the world.....it's just not time."  And each time I have wondered what exactly that meant.....and, again, each time....after just a little bit of waiting, I've been able to look back and see just what the Lord had in store (hindsight always being 20/20 and all).  Each time he has had my best interest at heart and in his infinite knowledge has helped me to learn and grow despite the difficulty of losing a pregnancy and for that I am grateful.

So after, yet again, another miscarriage last month (the 3rd since last June) I have gotten the same message/feeling.  "It's just not time" and I am left wondering,  "What am I waiting for?  What is it the Lord wants me to learn?  What is he "saving" me from, this time? "

I think I've found my answer in a persistent chain of thoughts...."be grateful for what you have.  You have been SO BLESSED with 4 children...take time to realize what you have and enjoy them.  Spend time with your boys and LOVE them for who they are.  SHOW them you love them.  Stop looking forward to what's next...who's next...and when they will be grown and out of the house....Enjoy them while you have them.  ETC...."

In essence...."Savor" them.

So I ask myself....."Don't I already do that?"  Which is a question I already know the answer to..."no".  Not that I don't want to....I do....but I just, don't.   

I always thought I was grateful for my children.  I always thought I felt blessed for what I had.  But maybe not.  I mean, I've said the words, I've prayed them, I've even, on occasion, actually felt them.  But is that enough?

I see now that by always frantically looking forward to "what's/who's next" I have, inadvertently, been telling the Lord that what he has given me is not enough or not good enough.  I think I missed the mark thinking that "once I've raised my kids...'done my duty by them'...and they are out of the house, then my life will begin"....without realizing that they ARE my life.  They ARE why I am here.  AND that is NOT going to change.  EVER.

Maybe once this really takes root in my actions...and even better, my heart....maybe THEN we will be (truly) blessed with our twin girls.  :)  And then again...maybe not.  Maybe this is it for us.  4 rambunctious, naughty little bundles of heaven sent testosterone.
Always with the sticks--June 2012
 And that's okay.  (because really...is that not enough?  I must be a glutton for punishment.)

For now my goal is to take time each day to "savor" them for who they are.  To not merely co-exist with them but to celebrate the time I have with them.  It's going to be hard for me.  I know I'll stumble and lose my way.  I have a lot of selfish habits to break.  But I'm ready to start doing what I think the Lord is telling me to do.   I've got nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain, right?

So...here's to "Project Savor".  Onward and Upward.

Brothers--June 2012

Photos taken by Alisha Hayse of Leeshy Lou Photography, Omak, WA (copyrighted 2012 aka don't steal them..he he he)

June 2, 2012

Thinking positive

Whew...what a whirlwind life has become. I can hardly catch my breath. My hormones seem to be all over the place and I'm a basket case.  My poor children.  My poor husband.  Heck, I don't even want to be around MYSELF a lot lately.  :)

I've missed writing. I just can't seem to find the time to do it (too much Pinterest , calamine lotion application (I hate mosquitoes) and/or new house projects, I guess).  I'm trying...

Today I was introduced, by my friend over at From Manic to Mindful  , to an awesome phenomenon.  One that will hopefully help me pull out of my "from thought to written word" writers block and get down to the nitty gritty of Methodical Musings again. 

The phenomenon is called Project Positivity.  This brilliant idea was created by the writer of Let Go Laughing and has been going for a few weeks now.  It's purpose is to help people think positively about themselves...to rediscover (or discover for the first time) who they really are.  She has weekly "homework" based on the weeks focus.  It helps you accomplish the goal for the week.  

I think it's a brilliant idea and am ready to jump on board (I'm behind...I'll have to catch up...If she accepts my application, of course).


What are all y'all up to?  I feel like I have left my blogging buddies behind.  I have not been very attentive as of late, have I?  I have not forgotten about you.  I still think about you often.  I HOPE all is well.

 P.S. I love to hear from you!
Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory
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