July 30, 2011

The blessing of trials...

"No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted...All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our characters, purifies our hearts, expands our souls, and makes us more tender and charitable...It is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we come here to acquire."  (Orson F. Whitney quoted by Paul V. Johnson in the May 2011 Ensign, here)

Yeah...dealing with hard things sucks.  I was about to write that I would NEVER go through the last four years again...but I stopped myself.  The truth is, I'm grateful to be over with that time...for now...but I'm thankful for the results.  

You'll have to excuse me if I've already said this before...I'm a bit forgetful but...

In April my mother-in-law asked my husband how it felt to have "the wife back that [he] married."  He told her "it feels good."  I couldn't help but smile as he related the conversation back to me (yeah, I actually smiled...for real...all the way to my eyes...and I meant it...it was great...it IS great).  

But then I realized how inaccurate that statement was and said, "yeah...but I'm not that same person."  

And, it's true.  I am not the same wife.  I am not the same mother.  I am not the same girl.  

I had changed...drastically and for the better, I hope.  I've learned lessons that I could not have learned any other way.  I have a different perspective on life and on the eternities.   

After reading Elder Johnsons conference address (sited above) I told Rob how excited I am about the future crop of trials we will have to face.

Now...before you think I have gone off the deep end, I will explain it to you, just as I had to do for him. 

I don't want to actually SUFFER (I'm not a masochist people) but I am grateful for what I have experienced, now that it's OVER.  I have LEARNED so much, especially about myself, and have grown STRONGER in faith, spirit and person.  I have realized that I am FAR more resilient than I thought I was (and hope my children are too...poor things).  

"Are you kidding," he said, looking at me much like you are probably doing right now, "I'm not excited about having to go through anything bad."  (Wimp...hehe just kidding.  My Roberto is an INCREDIBLE man.  Any lesser man would have left me at my worst (heck...I would have left myself if I could have) but he held on patiently, waiting for my return to "normalcy".)

I guess it's just a matter of perspective.  You can either look at the trial, or the result.

Give a listen to this song...it lends an amazing perspective.  I love it.

Who knows, I may experience that deep kind of self-loathing, hopeless depression again.  I hope not.  But...if I do...I know there is a way out.  I've been there before...I've come out the other side...I can do it again...and I'll be better off for it.

Sometimes life totally sucks...but there are lessons to be learned and strength to be gained.  

Go read this address...then come back and tell me what you think.  

Do it (even if you are not LDS).  I dare you.  I double dog dare you.  What can it hurt?

Signing out...


July 28, 2011

Chaos in the car leads to serious reflection

This post has been a long time coming.  I actually started it on July 2nd....and am NOW just finishing it up.  Unfortunately we were on vacation (as you will read below) and I put it's completion on hold.  I just couldn't quite pull my mind back to it when we got home.  I wanted it to be "perfect" but I couldn't remember what that would entail.  A friend reminded me that I it doesn't have to be.  Oh yeah...I forgot.  So here it is.

July 2, 2011—Melanie’s Journal Entry
I’m sitting in the car on the way to Utah…4 hours of sleep…baby to the left of me, screaming …1.5 hours into the drive…10+ more to go…Rugrat #2 keeps piping up from the back seat (in his squeaky high pitched "let's annoy mommy" voice), “Can we have some candy?”  “What the heck,” I think.  “It’s only 8:00AM (that’s gotta be equivalent to drinking before noon, right?).  We’ve already had one potty break.  I’m going nuts.  I’ve tried sleeping, yelling, meditating,…nothing is working to restore at least some semblance of order.   
At this point I’m beginning to question how I got here (and by “here” I mean, as a mother and WHY on earth have I chosen to do it over and over and over again, and WHY are we driving 750+ miles with 4 kids?)


To save my sanity (and to keep from saying something I shouldn't) I retreat into my own little world.  I turn on the good ol’ I pod, jam the ear buds into my ears and then cover them with my hands… anything to block out the wailing of the banshee behind me.

“A little rocker chick music is in order,” I think to myself, “a little something to match the tension I’m feeling (or make it worse, which is more likely… hehe).”

The music starts.

“Hey…this isn’t rocker chick music!”  

Instead the tune of Hilary Weeks “Who You Are” is flowing into my ears. (you can check out a YouTube version here)

 Not quite what I was looking for but I don’t dare take my hands off my ears to change it at this point….


I give in and listen…
Who you are
- by Hillary Weeks
 I know you wonder,
If you’ll ever have a day
Where the kids stay calm,
The laundry’s done
And the dishes are put away (AMEN!)
And sometimes you feel like
Your days are spent and gone
And the question running through your mind
Is “What have I gotten done?”
And when you finally have a moment to slow down
At the end of your day
I know Father would say
Believe in what you’re doing
Believe in who you are
And hold tight to the truth
That you’re a daughter of God
Believe in who you’re becoming
Believe in who you are

I'm relaxing...I focusing...and then, I got thinking (Uh Oh…I know)

I pull out my notebook and the words start flowing

I never dreamt, when I was young, of getting married, never fantasized about being a mother.  I just always knew I would be…Never questioned it.  You know…God commanded Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth…and so must I.

When Gabe was a little baby we really struggled financially (and things have changed how?  He he)  I stayed at home with him and Rob worked (for $8.50/hr…that’s AFTER he begged for a few pay raises) and went to school full time.  Needless to say…we were without much excess.

One day, while really feeling the financial strain, I got desperate and called a man I had done data entry work for in college to see if he had any work I could do.  He regrettably informed me that he did not but that had something better to offer me.  

He wanted to help me discover my purpose in life.

“Okay,” I hesitantly replied.

“So Melanie…God has put you on this earth for a purpose.  What do you think that purpose is?” he asks.

“To be a mother,” I replied.

‘”No,” he said.

“Ummm...Yes...I’m pretty sure that it is,” I said naively.

Again, “No, Melanie, it’s not.”

He continued, “Every woman is meant to be a " mother", but God has a greater purpose for you…I want to help you discover it.”

"Okay…first off, DUDE," I think to myself, "I was just looking for a way to make some quick money to pay the rent.  Second, RUDE!, how dare you question my purpose in life.  Especially after I had just spent a lot of time accepting the inevitable (I am a mother.  Forever and ever and ever…for all eternity…help me! UGH!).

We discussed it aback and forth for a few minutes…I finally gave up and let him lecture me on my “greater purpose.”  We set a time for him to call back for further discussion.  I hung up the phone.  He called.  I never answered.
Now…years (and three more kids ) later I am begging to be defined by more than that one word..."mother."  Is that all I am?  Is that all I have become?
Now don't get me wrong...I know that motherhood is my #1 calling.  I chose it...no one forced me into it, and I will be one...forever.  And I'm okay with that.  But there has to be more to me than that...right?

Yes...of course.  Cue song.

It may seem simple,
All the little things you do
But the lives you touch matter so much
And there’s no one else like you
And Father needs you
to stand tall and faithful.
To be all you can be
If you could see what he see’s

You’d believe in what you’re doing
You’d believe in who you are
So hold tight to the truth that you’re a Daughter of God
Believe in who you ‘re becoming,
believe in who you are.
When it’s hard to believe in yourself
And you feel like you’re beginning to doubt
He believes in what you’re doing
He believes in who you are
So don’t lose sight of the truth
That you’re a daughter of God
That he believe in who you’re becoming
He believes in,
who you are.

I just love this song.  It really touches on some very important, very FAITH and HOPE inspiring things.  Especially for us women.

#1  First, and I really believe it is of utmost importance, YOU are a daughter of God.   YOU!  YES, YOU! Think about that.  You are His daughter…He is your Father!   And  He loves you very much.  More than you can even begin to comprehend.  A perfect love.

He may not protect us from every hurt, fear, trial or loss. These are just a natural part of our mortal existence  and are essential for our faith and growth but, He never leaves us to deal with any of it alone.  Not EVER!  Because He loves us.  We are his daughters.

I believe that in order to even BEGIN to grasp these next two, a firm belief in this is essential (and it took me FOREVER...ask my councelor...but that's another story...later.)

#2 He has given us a responsibility to love, nurture and care for one another.  To be "mothers"...whether you have children of your own, or not.  The Lord needs us all to chip in and offer our loving services to others.  Blood relation or not.

Our Heavenly Father made us unique, and gives us unique life experiences, so we can gain perspective, compassion, empathy and understanding.  He does this so that we can help other who may be going through the same things we have been through.

Sometimes we are in a better place to do this than other times.  Sometimes we can give a lot, sometimes we can give a little...and sometimes, we have nothing to give.

Don't be discouraged if you feel stuck...He knows where you are...and He doesn't expect any more out of you than you have strength for.  He only asks that you do your best. "This too shall pass" and you will have your time to share (believe me...I know, I have been there...and will probably be there again someday).

And #3 I believe each of us has been sent here for a very specific purpose (yeah, I know...took me long enough to admit it Mr. "Greater Purpose" Man). We were not put on this earth to aimlessly wander about.  Each of us has good things to do, a "destiny" to fulfill, a mission to become who our Heavenly Father knows we can become, to become more like our Savior Jesus Christ.

All we have to do is give our lives over to the Lord and ask him each day what He wants us to be doing. 

Sound hard?  Overwhelming?  Crazy scary?  Yes, Yes, and Yes...but a little exciting too.

I know I have a SUPER LONG way to go but I'm kinda excited to see who this "future, well seasoned, more Christ-like" Melanie is (at least I hope I meet her...I'm sure gonna try my hardest).

What about you?  :)

July 22, 2011

It's all about LOVE--(aka Charity never faileth)


(if you want this button you can hop on over to my other blog and pick up the code here)

I have a lot going on in my head today (a little more than usual).  Just thought I would jot it down.

Yesterday was a hard day (see here).  I had to get out.  Rob got home from work and I took off for the store.  I was feeling quite irrationally irritable and needed a sane (uninvolved) thought mediator.  I called my mama.  I told her about my rough day and asked for her advise.  I told her how frustrated I was with _________ (I think I called him child XYZ in my other post) and expressed further remorse because a lot of his issues are a result of the last four years from HELL (and all the trauma I put him through).

She expressed her sympathies and then proceeded with good, sound advise (which is why I love her so much.  She's very good at seeing both sides of it).  She reminded me that while my concerns were valid, the thing he needs most from us, as parent, is LOVE.  "He just needs to be loved," she said.  "Go home and just love that boy."  This was the answer I needed and I knew it as soon as she said it.  Isn't she great?

I decided to rent a movie for Rob and I to watch after the kids were in bed.  I really needed a night to relax.  There wasn't much available so I ended up picking one I had neither seen nor heard of before.  It was a not rated,"Lifetime" made for television movie, about a very religious mother who was not happy with choices her son was making.  She pushed and pushed and pushed him away, refusing to accept him for who he was, until one day he committed suicide because he felt so alone and isolated.  The rest of the movie follows her through a journey of acceptance and love.  I didn't care for the whole movie (in fact we flat out skipped some parts)...but i was really intrigued by it's message.

Hence all the thinkin' (sometimes I get tired of being in my own head)....

Just like mama said...It's all about LOVE.  Christ taught this as well.

Everything he taught...His life...His ministry... everything He's given us ....life ...eternity ...salvation ...redemption ...forgiveness ... the atonement...everything, revolves around LOVE!

We are taught in the Bible:
"Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself" (Leviticus 19: 18)
"walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us"  (Ephesians 5:2 )
"relieve the oppressed"  (Isaiah 1:17
"love ye your enemies"  (Luke 6:35 )

(Charity-being the highest, noblest, strongest kind of love, not merely affection;  the pure love of Christ--Bible Dictionary)

"Charity suffereth long, and is kind (1 Corinthians  13:!4) 
"let all your things be done with charity (1 Corinthians 16:14)
"above all things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness"  (1 Colossians 3:14)
 "charity shall cover the multitude of sins"  (1 Peter 4:8)

In the Book of Mormon Another Testament of Jesus Christ:

"all men should have charity, which charity, is love"  (2Nephi 26:30)
"charity is the pure love of Christ"  (Moroni 7:47)
"except ye have charity you can in nowise be saved"  (Moroni 10:21)

In the Doctrine and Covenants:
"clothe yourselves with the bond of charity"  (D&C 88:125)
"let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men"  (D&C 121:45)

Let me say it again....I believe LOVE is EVERYTHING.

I know that sometimes it's easier to talk about than to do...believe me.  I know.  I KNOW!

But what is our purpose here in life?  To become like Christ.  He is perfect.  We are not.  But we can try.

Because we are commanded to "above all things, put on charity" (sourced above), I believe this is the most important place to start if we are to become like Him.  I also believe that as we strive to love (others and ourselves) as Christ does, everything else will fall into place.

So who does Christ love?  Everyone.  EVERYONE.

Christ loves the sinners, the thieves, the adulterers, the liars, etc.  He loves the Jews, the Buddhist, the Christians, the Athiests, the Muslims, etc.  He loves the heterosexuals, the homosexuals, the murderers, the child molesters, those who are pure in heart, and those who's hearts are as black as night.

He loves those with mental illnesses, low incomes, addictions and less than savory jobs.  He loves those who have excess weight, ragged clothes, frizzy hair, bad teeth, and no social skills.

He loves EVERYONE and has perfect mercy on all of us. 

He does not ask us to judge one another (that's HIS job), despise one another, exclude one another, condemn one another, or abuse one another.

He only asks that we follow His example.

I love this primary song:  Jesus said love everyone, treat them kindly too.  When your heart is filled with love, others will love you.

Only He knows us perfectly.  Only He knows what seen or unseen circumstances have shaped us into who we are and who we have become.  Only He knows why we have made the choices we have made.  Only He knows our thoughts and can see into our hearts.

We can pray for one another...and more importantly, we can pray for ourselves that we might be able to see others as the Lord sees them, so that our bowels may be filled with charity towards them and all mankind. 

Does that mean we have to agree with a lifestyle, a choice, a sin, a person.  No.  In fact, you can love someone without liking them.  :)

Have you ever heard the phrase, love the sinner not the sin?  

Is that possible?

Yes!  It is...I know it is.

I have prayed for it...I have felt it.

I'll end with this thought...

Christ once said..."Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.  (Matthew 25:40)

So...in this circumstance I think he would say, in essence, You can show your love to me by showing your love to others.

The end...my brain is spent....

Whew...it feels good to let that out.

Any thoughts?

P.S. Leave a comment! I love to hear from you!

July 21, 2011

irony of change

I got these tasty tidbits on "change" from my councelor Rick one day.  I came across the sheet of paper the other day in my pile of "file for later" stuff.  The ideas are so ironically funny (the irony being that they are not really all that funny because they are just so darn true of human nature).  I love them.  Just had to share.

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
By Portia Nelson

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost.  I am helpless.  It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.  
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.  I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place, but it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it there.  I still fall in.  It's a habit.
My eyes are open.  I know where I am.
It is my fault.  I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

If you always do
what you always did,
You'll always get
what you always got.

Silliness is always doing the same thing, 
and expecting something different.

If it works, 
do more of it.
If it doesn't work, 
so something different.

Something to digest...

July 16, 2011

Don't sell yourself short...you're too good for that!


I woke up today feeling much better than yesterday so I decided to do something crazy!

There is this run...a run I've been daring myself to do for the last two years. 

Not that it is of marathon length or extremely difficult terrain (although paved paths can be hostile). 

It's just that one day, shortly after we moved here, I said to myself, "I wonder if I could run there and back?"

Today I "double dog dared" myself to do it.  So I did. 

(and don't worry...I am not completely untrained.  I did run 4 miles on Monday and a few miles up and down a mountain last week and a 6-7 miler on the 4th...and before that...oh wait...there hadn't been much before that)

I tracked the distance when I got home.  11.2 miles.  Although I was a little disappointed (I was hoping for at least 12, because it felt like 100), I had to be proud of myself that I got it done...and survived. 

Since my I pod died less than 2 minutes into the run, I was left to my own thoughts for two hours.  I did a little praying...

I told Heavenly Father that I recognize there are limitations in this life, especially physical ones...and that they are to be understood and respected.  But I also told Him that I believe our minds and spirits are boundless and asked Him to help me physically accomplish this goal, so I could prove the infinite strength of the above mentioned blessings.  

Then I got to thinking...and questioning...

How often do we sell ourselves short?  Why do we shy away from our potential?  Why do we fail to reach a little further, try a little harder, be a little better? 

Is it because we think it's too difficult?  Because we're lazy?  or afraid?

Or maybe we aren't in a place where we can thrive.  Maybe we are barely surviving...or even diving

Or maybe...just maybe...we simply don't believe we can do or become better.

That I understand...I have been there.

I didn't really come up with any answers for anyone else, of course, only you can do that, but I did gain a little insight into what I let (as in, allow) hold ME back sometimes. 

Anyway, I just wanted you to know that I love you (even if I don't know you personally) and that I believe in you....and, more importantly, so does He who created you and it's high time you do too (If you don't already, that is).  :)

I want to challenge you to get out there and find something hard (yet doable) to accomplish. Something you have never done before...or haven't done in a long time and are not sure you CAN do.  And then DO IT!  Tell yourself you can, ASK for heavenly help, and get on with it. 

(and then let me know...if you want)

I promise you will be amazed...and stronger for it.


July 15, 2011

Do I have to be "up" all of the time?

DoI have to be "up" all of the time?  Am I allowed to have bad days every now and again?

Sometimes I wonder.    

My husband tells me it's "normal."  He tells me that everyone feels this way sometimes.  That it's okay.

I guess I know that, logically.  I do.  But I can't help but think of what it could mean.  It frightens me.  I don't want to crash down.  I can't do it again.  It's too soon.

I can hear Rick (counselor man) saying, "So what?  What's the worst that can happen?"

"You mean other than feeling utterly miserable and hopeless and wanting to either run away or die.  Not to mention putting my family through pure hell all over again."  You mean other than that?  Nothing I guess."

I feel tired, unmotivated, irritable...and just plain blegh. 

Could it be that I just got back from vacation and am still trying to play "catch up" (and not doing a very good job of it), or that I have been down one kid for four days and now that he is home there is way more chaos, fighting, and over abundant silliness, or maybe it's because I am stressed over 10 extra pounds, that have taken up residence on my middle, with little motivation to work them off and instead console myself with Butterfinger ice cream? 

Could it be that I am sleep deprived, suffering from writers block, and not sure where to go from here?  Or could it just be because it is "that time of the month"?

Whatever the reason...I'm sure it will pass. 

At least I hope it will pass. 

It's much nicer being on the up side of things. 

Just keeping it real...

July 1, 2011

Through Hell and Back (more than once)-- Timeline of Recovery and Discovery

This post is an introduction to my newest page Through Hell and Back (more than once)---Timeline of Recovery and Discovery.  See it here (as in below) or click here (to see actual page).

I'd recommend making a timeline to anyone who is or ever has struggled with mental, emotional, or physical health problems.  It has been incredibly enlightening.  The pattern of emotions are amazing.  I could easily chart a graph of the ups and downs (whether I was "diving, surviving, or thriving").

I pulled together dates, memories, posts from my other blog (Testosterone Overload -est. Oct 2007), and journal entries from a private journal (aka A blue,70 sheet, 1 subject, wide rule notebook-est. March 2009) to build this timeline.

The "private journal entries" were originally written for my eyes only.  A way to express myself openly and truthfully without feeling judged.  The emotions are raw, the writing, blunt and unedited, the feelings are sometimes very hard to revisit, but so very very real. 

When I decided to publish this timeline, I also decided to publish these, my most private thoughts, with it (talk about vulnerability at it's best).

It's time...I'm ready...and if it helps someone else...it will all be worth it. 

Through Hell and Back (more than once)---Timeline of Recovery and Discovery

1992-1996:  The first signs:  The Story of an Unbalanced Girl-Child Part one, two, and three

1998-1999:  Spent most of my senior year of high school severely depressed (came home from school, listened to depressing music, cried myself to sleep, contemplated suicide once...for just a split second and then cried over that too).

2005:  Sought counseling for anxiety:  Read about it a bit on page Why I started this blog.

Dec 2006-Aug 2007:  Unexpected pregnancy...another boy (making 3)...what?  we're moving 750 miles away from my family and everything I have ever known?...house up for sale...moved 36 weeks pregnant...Rob started  new job...got sick (hospitalized)...came home from hospital and got sick again...38.5 week induction for liver enzyme complications...(TOTALLY NOT READY)...Issac born...Rob started Master's program...I was at home with 3 boys (4, 1.5, infant).......enough said.

Oct 2007-July 2008:  Depressed, lonely, without purpose, always MAD, constant fits of anger, even RAGE.

Aug 2008-Jan 2009:  Rob lost his job and I found new purpose.  I began teaching aerobics and enjoying a bit respite from being down.  I was still completely "off my rocker" and experienced fits of rage, severe OCD and was debilitatingly anxious...but at least I was enjoying something again.  If only that had lasted....

Thankful to be Thankful - November 26, 2008  --not all bad, if only I had known what was coming
Potty Talk...little boys disgust me! - Jan 19, 2009

Feb 2009-May 2009:  We moved in with Rob parents.  This is when I hit rock bottom.  I was so consumed and rapped up in my own grief and feeling of hopelessness that I didn't have one care for anyone else.  My family really suffered.  It was a friend, a good friend, who finally convinced me that something was really wrong with me and that it was not going to get better on it's own.  I am so indebted to her.

Private Journal Entry: March 19, 2009
Fizzgig and Katie Kaboom - April 26, 2009

May 2009:  We moved to the Tr-Cities.  Rob was done with school, had a job, we had a place to live.  I should have felt better.  But I didn't.  I FINALLY reached out and got help.

Private Journal Entry: June 11, 2009
Private Journal Entry: July 7, 2009
Private Journal Entry:  July 8, 2009

July 2009:  Started Counseling with Rick

Private Journal Entry:  August 14, 2009

October 2009: Started taking 5-MTHF for a common  genetic variant (as in 70% of the population have some form of it...you could too) known as MTHFR (more info here and even more to come...I'm so excited!)

Private Journal Entry:  October 27, 2009

Nov-Dec 2009:  By now the benefits of the MTHF had kicked in.  I was feeling really good, had learned a lot of coping and retraining through counseling and my family was finally starting to pull back together.  Life was good.  By December, I felt so good, I said goodbye to Rick and ventured out into the world without my bi-weekly visits.

May 2010:  By now Kian was a month old and I finished off my last bottle of 5-MTHF.  For some reason (still unknown to me) I decided to stop taking it.  It's almost as if I thought I didn't need it anymore because I wasn't pregnant...and had nothing to do with the fact that I have a genetic"variant."

Private Journal Entry:  June 13, 2010

June-December 2010: By the end of June I started slipping again.  I had felt SO good for SO long I thought that maybe...just maybe I would get by this time (as in, the aftermath of pregnancy #4) without getting angry or sad again.  No such luck.  I started a slow decline but fought against feelings of "failure" (like I had failed to be able to keep my hormones level...logical, I know) and denial ("this can be happening again.  NO this cant be happening again").  It finally some gentle persuasion from a leader in my church (after I opened my big mouth) to get me to go back to my doctor and ask for more help (I resented it in the moment but was soon very grateful things had panned out the way they did).  I also started seeing Rick again (in October some time...I think).  After a lot of time, effort, switching of medications, juggling dosages, and a lot of frustration, I was finally stabilized again. But something was still missing.  I was stabilized, for sure, and for that I was grateful but I still hadn't reached the "high" I had felt while I was pregnant.  Not even once, at that time, did it occur to me that the decline could have had something to do with not taking 5-MTHF anymore...I know better now. 

Private Journal Entry:  September 17, 2010

Private Journal Entry: October 11, 2010

Dec 2010-Jan 2011:  I was doing well and enjoying learning new and great things from Rick again.  I was "surviving" just fine.  No matter that I couldn't think straight or remember anything, or muster up motivation to accomplish anything.  At least I wasn't angry.  I hadn't felt so good in YEARS and figured that this was "as good as it gets."  I had NO IDEA that just around the corner was a side of life I never thought I would see again. 

Private Journal Entry - January 9, 2011
A holey brain of cheese intruded by "squirrel" moments - January 19, 2011

February 2011:  Toward the end of 2010 we had started taking our oldest child, Gabe (age 7 at the time), back to counseling because he was starting to exhibit a lot of aggressive and depressive behavior again (gee...where do you think he could have gotten' that from?). 

We were there one day in February and Gabe's counselor asks me if I have ever heard of Dr. Rawling and MTHFR before.

**BING** (light bulb moment)...I remember butterflies and everything.

"Yeah (I proceeded with caution)...Dr Rawlings actually tested me for MTHFR when I was pregnant this last time"  "And," he says.  "And I am MTHFR heterozygous (meaning that I have one of the two most common genetic mutations of the MTHFR gene)."  "So are you on Deplin (perscription dosage of methylfolate) or taking over-the-counter MTHF? he says."  "No...not anymore."  (He looks at me like...DUH woman...why do you think you have such issue with depression and anxiety.)  He advised us to get Gabe tested.  I came home that night and ordered more 5-MTHF online.  It arrived a few days later...Gabe and I both started taking it.  Within two weeks my emotions were sky rocketing to levels I didn't even think were possible.  And the changes is Gabe...truly amazing.

Private Journal Entry:  February 4, 2011

March 2011:  I can think of a few phrases that really can only begin to describe how I felt.  "To infinity....and beyond"..."Up, Up, and away"  "To the moon "  I mean, really. 

Private Journal Entry:  March 27, 2011--coming soon
Private Journal Entry:  April 5, 2011 --coming soon

May 2011:  Started this blog (Methodical Musings of an Unbalanced Woman).Why I started this blog

June 2011:  For now I feel good.  I feel really good.  I can't remember the last time I walked around day after day with a great sense of well being and happiness.  True happiness.  It's amazes me.  I'm still in awe.

Private Journal Entry:  June 28, 2011

This month I also attended a seminar given by Dr. Rawlings on MTHFR and his research findings.  It WAS AWESOME.  More to come on that.

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