December 4, 2012

Beautiful..... Speechless....

This BEAUTIFUL piece embodies ALL that this season, in truth, our very existence, is all about.

I'm so SO touched this morning.  My heart is full.

forMMM P.S. I love to hear from you! Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

November 21, 2012

Week of Thanks 2012, Day Three

We gather tomorrow as friends, family, and loved ones to share in a celebration of all we have been given.  So what happens Friday (other than Black Friday chaos)?  Saturday?  How about every day thereafter?  Year after year after year?

May we all remember to give thanks to our Lord, and to those around us, daily.  My we cultivate an "attitude of gratitude" all year long.

 P.S. I love to hear from you!
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November 20, 2012

Week of Thanks 2012, Day Two

Today's words of wisdom, on gratitude and thanksgiving are brought to you by another man whom I deeply admire.  He is a whom I love.  A man who has devoted his entire life to selfless service and the compassionate care of others.  Another Man of God.  Another man who "knows".

His comforting words resonate deeply within my soul and fill me with peace.  I HOPE they do the same for you.
Secondly....another quote for the day.  Such simplicity....such truth.  Follows my motto.  Think....Learn....DO!

P.S. I love to hear from you!
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November 19, 2012

Week of Thanks 2012, Day One

I've been thinking a lot recently about gratitude and thanksgiving.

I know you are thinking, "Imagine that. At this time of year? don't say."

Yep...seriously. True story. :)

Facebook and other social media sites have been jammed full with friends and family counting down to Thanksgiving by posting each day about the things they are thankful for.

I've watched closely and found myself "ditto-ing" many a sentiment. Some a bit on the shallow (although still valid) side and others very deep and meaningful.

As I get older and am exposed to more of the world and the people in it, I am in awe of all the opportunities and blessing the Lord has given me. And yet, I find myself nearly unable to express my gratitude, even to Him. It's not that I'm not grateful, it's just that I don't FEEL I am as grateful as I think I ought to be.

That's why I've been searching, pondering, and praying (SPP) about these particular topics.

I wish I had my own words of wisdom for you on my findings. It's just not so.

 Frankly I think I'm out of words of wisdom. I've been wondering if the mission I had, in starting this blog, has been fulfilled and so the gift of wisdom and openness has left me.

I haven't figured that out yet. Something else I'm SPP-ing right now.

No worries, however. Until I figure out what is going on, or until I get my groove back, I thought I might share with you a few words from those who are far wiser than I, on the ever allusive topic of happiness, thanksgiving, gratitude, life, etc.

I kinda jumped the gun with this one the other day:
Photo from Your Homebased Mom
 I don't know who said it....but I love it.  It's my motto.  What I desire.  Who I want to be.

This next one was quoted by someone I love and admire more than words can express.  A man of God.  A man who "knows":
"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed. The fact is that most putts don't drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to just be people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time rail journey: delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling burst of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride." --Gordon B. Hinckley (originally said by Jenkins Lloyd Jones “Big Rock Candy Mountains,” Deseret News, 12 June 1973, A4)
What more can be said.  "The trick", the key, the path to life and happiness is Gratitude.  Expressing our sincere thanks to our Heavenly Father for his goodness and mercy.

I don't know how many times I have said, or thought, to my children, "A little thanks would go a long way."  "Now what do you say (when I have done something for them)?" or "How hard is it to say 'Thank you'?"

And the Lord desires no less from us.  It's so easy.  And when we do it, our hearts become full and free.


Love it!

Now I must Think....Learn.....Do.
 P.S. I love to hear from you!
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November 17, 2012

Life lessons from a donkey....

I found this story on Facebook the other day and felt so touched by it's profound and encouraging message. I shared it on MMUB's FB page, so some of you may have already seen it, but decided to post it here to be a constant reminder of the blessings of peace and perseverance, HOPE and happiness.

"One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed shovels and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. 
With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, to everyone's amazement, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!"

"Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles [trails] is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by...[shaking] it off and [taking] a step up."
(and I'd like to add....)

Never Give Up!  Never give up on yourself and never give up on anyone else.   Just keep trying.  One step (or shovel full of dirt) at a time.  Find joy, find happiness, and find peace in and through our Savior and Lord Jesus Christ, no matter what situation you find yourself in.  Give thanks for your afflictions and take advantage of them...learn from them.


One more thing.....

As a lifelong depressive, I find myself searching all over the place for things that will make me happy.  It hardly ever works.  :)  So when I saw this quote several weeks ago it quickly became one of my favorites of all time.  These words, I find, are so hard to follow sometimes.  Especially when I'm feeling low.  Yet, they are so full of truth.  I need a constant reminder.  I'm working on getting them put up in my house where I will be able to see them.  Daily.   
photo from Your Homebased Mom

  I love it!
P.S. I love to hear from you!
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October 14, 2012

We are STRONG!

Today my family and I drove to a meeting house 2 hours away for what is known, in the Mormon world, as "stake conference" (a 2 hour long church meeting in which all the congregations in a particular region get together to hear our regional church leaders speak on various topics).  Because I would be spending 4 hours in the car I took along a new book, a gift from a good friend (you know who you are), entitled "Reaching for Hope:  An LDS Perspective on Recovering from Depression".  What better way to use this time, right?

In theory, yes.

I didn't even crack it open.  :)

Instead I spent the time in the car dozing,  handing out food, switching out "Sunday approved" movies on the portable dvd player, barking at the kids to stop fighting, threatening recourse if their seatbelts didn't get buckled back up properly ASAP, ordering the 2 year old to stop crying when I refused to share my pillow with him (gasp), dozing some more, stewing over an argument with Roberto, oh....and did I mention dozing?  I did sneak in a few (semi) peaceful moments to read my scriptures.  

We reached home, bellies full, after packing a lunch and eating in the car, just in time for my favorite part of Sunday afternoon.  Family nap time.  Yipee!  Everyone was sent to their separate corners of the house to "rest" but for some reason I couldn't sleep.  (imagine that!)

I stewed, for a few minutes, over the fact that I would miss out on the peaceful rest of the afternoon (instead of a jostling snooze in the car with kids yelling and demanded my attention every 4.35 seconds).

Then, I remembered the book.  "I guess now is as good a time as ever," I told myself.

Admittedly, I have issues with self-help and/or inspirational books.  I've thought a lot about "why", and have come up with a few ideas:

First, when I do have the opportunity to read, I prefer to use that time to leave this world behind and pretend I am in another.  I love fiction.  Novels.  But not just any novels.  Boring, cheesy and yes, ever predictable, christian romance novels.  Go ahead...laugh. Rob makes fun of me, too.  But I don't care.  I like 'em.  Especially the ones set back in the 1800's.  It's a world where I can indulge in my romantic fantasies and not feel bad about it and I love to escape to it.  ( can stop laughing now)

Second, self-help suggests just that, helping yourself.  As in, action.  As in, once you read it you are "expected" (self perceived) to absorb the information and apply it.  This drudges up all sorts of anxieties for me.

What if it's too hard?  What if I can't do it?  What if I fail?  What if I succeed?  Will it actually work?  Will it actually make me feel better?  Will it make my life better?  Will I have wasted my precious "me" time?  and most importantly......Will the guy get the girl (or vise versa) and will they smooch in the end?!?!?

The truth is, I don't have much experience with the actual finishing part.  I have several....SEVERAL sitting on a shelf next to my bed.  Some I have even started but have only EVER completed ONEONE! (and for the record, there was a bit of "kiss and make up" at the end...he he he)!!!  Not a very good track record.

But, speaking of the one, the experience was exceptionalLife changingI'd even call it miraculous.  It changed my mind and heart forever.  (I'd recommend it to anyone)

But what are the odds it will happen again?

It's for this same reason I don't set goals.  What if I can't meet them?  What if I fail?  But that is a thought for another day.....

My mom always reminds me of how good I am at identifying my problems and going after them in an effort to improve.  This may have been true in the past.  For instance, as an 11 year old anxiety ridden elementary school student, I identified the need to find a coping mechanism to work through embarrassing panic attacks that were becoming increasingly frequent at school.  And I did.  It worked.  Success.  Pat on the back.  Yipee for me!

But I'm not that confident anymore.

Life is just FAR MORE complex now.  Man, if only panic attacks were all I had to worry about these days.  :)  But sadly, they're not and it's not just my life at stake anymore.  I have, at least, FIVE other people closely dependent on my success in life, right?
Anyway, back to today.

Despite my misgivings, I picked up the book and began reading.

I only made it 71 pages, so far, but I definitely found what I was looking for, and what I so desperately needed.

Camaraderie.  Understanding.  Reassurance.

And my ever particular favorite.....HOPE!

I started this blog in order to offer HOPE of recovery to others.  Little did I know that I was not out of the woods myself.  I've had a lot of ups and downs in the 18 months since I started writing here.  I prefer to write about the ups...and not the downs....that's why the post have dwindled.  But....I'm not ready to give up.  I'm just having a bit of writers block.

I leave you today with a quote in the book offered by Dr. Philip Gold, a neurologist at the National Institute for Mental Health, speaking of depression, or as he likes to call it "hypothalamo-pituitary-adrenal axis dysfunction" (I like it!),
"It takes an incredibly strong person to bear the burden of [this] disease."

Can I hear an "AMEN, BROTHER!"?

Those of you who have never been there, I pray desperately that you never will know the devistating pain, both physical and psychological, associated with depression.

For those of you who are sufferers...Don't ever give up.

We must FIGHT!  We must NEVER GIVE UP!  We must HOLD ON TO HOPE!



 forMMM Check out this quote.  It's powerful.

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October 4, 2012

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding

I'm taking a huge risk today and posting something a little controversial.  In the form of politics.  GASP!  I usually steer clear of those kinds of things.  I, for one, detest politics.  But I felt the need to share, regardless.
It's just my opinion.  MY opinion. It doesn't have to be yours.  We can even still be friends (he he he).  If yours does differ, feel free to share.  I won't take offense.  PROMISE!
While contemplating which presidential candidate to vote for, I had a lot of things to consider. Honestly, there are fantastic PROPOSALS on both sides. Whether or not those proposed claims/reforms would A. actually come to fruition or B. even work as intended, is really a gamble. No one really knows.

It's a well known fact that Gov. Romney is a Mormon (LDS) and it's a well know fact that I, too, am a Mormon (LDS).  

Put that thought aside.  Forget it.  I would never vote for him just because we happen to attend the same church/organization.  
My vote, in fact, comes down to something far more simple.  God.

When has our land and even the Holy Land been most prosperous?  What times have know greatest peace and joy? 
Look to the scriptures. Bible and/or Book of Mormon. The answer is clear.

In ancient times, as well as times more recent, the world has known it's greatest prosperity when it has been ruled/governed by righteous men who are seeking to follow God's commandments.

Do I believe that all of Gov. Romney's ideas are directly "from God". No.  Do I believe that everything Gov. Romney says will "come to pass".  No.


What matters to me is that, I BELIEVE, ROMNEY WILL SEEK TO PUT GOD BACK INTO THIS COUNTRY, on whom it was founded (In God We Trust), instead of purposely trying to shut him out.
Any man, be he Catholic, Jew, Mormon, WHATEVER, whom I believed would do the same would secure my vote.  
President Obama is NOT that kind of man.  
So Mitt Romney is where my vote lies.

Please be prayerful about your vote. Whatever answer you come up with, the one that finds you with peace in your heart, is the one you should follow.

Republican or Democrat. Mormon or Not. Does it really matter? NO!!!!

What matters is that we, as an AMERICAN people, put our trust in GOD and seek his guidance in our decision of whom will best govern us because...well, GOD knows!

That's my peace.
Take it or leave it.
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding." (Prov. 3:5)
"Blessed are all they that put their trust in him," Ps. 2:12 (Jer. 17:7; Hel. 12:1)
"none … that trust in him shall be desolate," Ps. 34:22 
"better to trust in the Lord than … in man," Ps. 118:8
 "whoso trusteth in the Lord, happy is he," Prov. 16:20
 "putteth his trust in the Lord shall be safe," Prov. 29:25 (Alma 61:13)
 "salvation might come to him that should put his trust," Mosiah 4:6
"humbled themselves and put their trust in … God," Alma 5:13 
"trust in our God who has given us victory," Alma 58:33
P.S. I love to hear from you! 
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September 14, 2012

I'm still here...

I gotta' say, there is a lot of love out there.  I can't even begin to express how much it means to me. 

Thank you my dear family, friends, and blogging world buddies, for showing my family and I such copious amounts of support and concern.  Thank you for the strengthening and uplifting comments and for the numerous phone calls (sorry to those of you I still haven't called back...there were just so many).

I seem to have caused a lot of worry over my last blog post.  Please don't be overly concerned.  Yes, I had a really REALLY crappy day.  And...I wrote about it for all to see.

I'm not gone.  I'm not as bad off as I have been before.  Just dealing with a lot and struggling with how to cope.

I seem to forget that even people who are mentally stable have bad days.  I get really worked up about it, wondering if total darkness is hanging in the balance waiting to swallow me up whole again.  I forget that it's "normal". 

It gets especially bad when I spend hours and hours on the computer reading of others tragedy and pain.  How can one not expect to be affected by that? 

And then to get caught up in the never ending downward spiral of a game called contemplate-and-list-as-many-of-your-worries-and-faults-as-you-possibly-can-in-the-shortest-amount-of-time-until-you-break-down-from-sheer-exhaustion-from-berating-and-belittling-yourself-and-from-heart-break-and-then-try-NOT-to-be-depressed-and-think-you-are-just-about-the-worst-person-in-the-world.

Yeah....I hate that game.  Sigh... you think I would know better.

 But, you see, it's actually a good thing, really.  I've been thinking for some time about compiling a self-improvement agenda...and now I have one.  Granted, the entire world has access to it....not very flattering...but at least I have a jumping off point.  :)

Please know that I am doing much, MUCH better today.  I'm still not 100%, but much better.

Just trying to focus on things I CAN do, not on what I don't do.

Roberto is keeping a watchful eye on me.  He always does.  I'm one lucky lady.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite, situationally fitting, songs.  I've shared it here before, but it's message is always one worth remembering.

I HOPE you enjoy!
P.S. I love to hear from you!
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September 12, 2012

This is no laughing matter

I seem to be experiencing some sort of emotional hangover this morning.

Yesterday was a pretty bad day.  I often say that I am not a crier and normally that's true.  But there are exceptions to the rule...and yesterday just happened to be one.

It was just one of those days.  You know, "those" kind of days.

I spent the morning reading this amazing woman's storyBlog post after blog post after heart breaking blog post.  Such a tragic few months she has had to deal with.  Losing her handicapped son and then unexpectedly losing her husband less than 4 months later.

She writes of tragedy, hurt, heartbreak.  She also writes of laughter.  Lots of laughter.  Love.  A household full of love.  Friendship.  The type that connects one person to another so that they feel incapable of going on without the other.  Those kinds of things.

I cried.  I cried a lot.  I cried with her, I cried for her.  And then I began to cry for myself.  Cry for my family.  Cry for all that was lacking in our lives.  Lacking in our home.

I cried because if this same kind of tragedy happened to our family, we wouldn't be able to get through it.  Not because we wouldn't want to but because there is just not enough laughter and love in our home capable of sustaining us through such strain.  We would snap.  We would fall apart.  We're already falling apart.

I cried because I can't laugh anymore.  Not that I don't laugh.  I do.  I love to make people laugh and I usually laugh right along.  I cover up my true inability with sarcasm and funny stories and things that don't really matter all that much but I never laugh out of pure humor.  I never laugh at the silly things my kids do.  I smile...sometimes even genuinely...but I never let go and laugh.  You know what I mean.  The kind of laughter that bubbles up inside of you and springs forth from pure joy.  The kind of laughter that makes you feel lighthearted and just plain happy.  Yeah...that kind of laughter.  I'm just not capable of that any more.  And it makes me sad.  Very sad.  I mourn the loss of it more than I mourn anything else. 

I cried because I'm not sure my children know how much I love them.  I DO love them.  I just don't know if they know it.  Not that I don't say it, I do, but how often do I FEEL it.  Hardly ever.  And it's hard to fake what you don't feel.  At least it is for me.  Perhaps I should have taken acting classes.  I'm a horrible actress.  They know I get frustrated and annoyed by them.  They know I try to tolerate them.  But do they actually know that I love them?  I don't know.

I cried as this strong woman talked of her brave oldest son, who would now assume responsibility as the "man of the house".  I cried because I don't believe my emotionally scarred oldest son would ever offer to do this, as hers did.  I cried because of what part I have played in his emotional struggles.  I cried because he seems to be irreparably tied to me emotionally and is taking a nose dive right along with me right now.  I just hate it.  I don't ever ask God "why me?"  but I do ask "why him?"

I cried because not that long ago life was full.  I was happy. 
June 2011: 
"For now I feel good.  I feel really good.  I can't remember the last time I walked around day after day with a great sense of well being and happiness.  True happiness.  It's amazes me.  I'm still in awe."
I had purpose, felt inspired, and was ready to take on the world of depression and crush it.  I felt the dark days were behind me.  But I was wrong.  I cried because I mourn the loss of those days.  The fact that I can't seem to get them back. 

I cried because I can't keep up with life.  There are just too many obstacles, too many responsibilities, and too many struggles to take in.  I'm overwhelmed with all that pulls at my time, my emotions, and my brain functions.  I've lost focus of what's really important and what can be put on the side.  It all feels like it should be at the top of the priority list and I can't keep up.  And I'm tired.  Just tired.

I cried because I feel powerless to fix any of this.  Not HOPEless, there is always HOPE, but powerless....because, on  my own, I am powerless.

and lastly,

I cried because I have, inadvertently, isolated myself from the only two beings whom have the power to help me, my loving Heavenly Father and His Son Jesus Christ.  It's wasn't an intentional thing.  I didn't intend to separate myself from them.  I just got distracted and started putting other things first.

Then came the move, the miscarriages and the bombshell

It's no wonder the dark fog of depression started to settle back in and with it the jumbled thoughts, the extreme fatigue, and the lack of desire to do anything.  The less I communicated with the Lord, the less I would feel, the less I felt the less desire I had to communicate.  It's a vicious cycle.

And not much has changed.

I'm trying.  I don't think I have the ability to give up completely, even if I really really want to.

After breaking down again, in conversation with my husband, last night after the kids were in bed, he sighed and said, "So what are you going to do about it?"  (So typical of a man, right?) 

and, per my typical answer, "I don't know?"

And today, I still don't. 

It all seems like too much work.  Too much effort.
  Just too much.  I'm tired.

I feel like crawling into bed and staying there for a long while. 

I won't.  Because...I just don't.  But I want to. 

And then again, I don't.

I want to live again.  I want to laugh again.  I want to do things for my children and my husband, so they know how much I love them.  I want to feel love for them again.  I want to help my oldest heal again.  I want to be happy.  And I want to be filled with the Spirit of the Lord again.  To feel close to God again.  To bask in his glow.

I want to know that if my family ever had to face such tragedy, that we would be okay.  That, somehow, we would be strong enough to move on, intact.

Now I just have to find the motivation to get us to that place. 

I've done it once before and I can certainly do it again.


But still, I'm just so tired.
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August 18, 2012

"Project 'Nice Words'"

picture borrowed from here
I came across an article today on .  The article entitled "Words. Just how powerful are they?" (consequently written by one of my most favorite women in the whole entire world) served as a reinforcing reminder of the project I have been working on all summer.  Remember "Project Savor"?

I've been thinking a lot about it lately, taking mental notes on my progress, and, in all honesty, wish I were doing better.  The whole point was to practice slowing down, simplifying life, and "savoring" that which is most husband and children.  You know what?  It's been a lot harder than I would like to admit.

The slowing down....not so much.  This last miscarriage has worn my poor old body out and my energy levels are way down.  Blegh.  So crappy.  But it has certainly slowed me down.

Simplifying life.  Okay....I'll give myself that one.  I just don't do ANYTHING anymore.  That's pretty simple, yeah?

But the "savoring" my family.  That's been a hard one.   Do the words "school starts in 9 days, 0 hours, 5 minutes, and 35 seconds...." tell you anything.

It's not that I don't want to.  It's just so much easier to be discontent because you don't have to actually TRY.  Focusing on the good things in life, the positives, the "brighter side" that actually takes effort.  Most of the time I'd just rather take a nap.

I have been very hard on my kids lately.  Many a cross word, and even a few cuss words (gasp!), have been bellowed in their general direction as of late and I'm beginning to see the effect it has had on our relationships, their self-esteems and the spirit in our home.  And I don't like it.  That's why this article had such an impact on me today.
I read it, and plan to read it again and again, until it's message is so deeply implanted in my brain that I will never forget it.

So...on top of "Project Savor" I am now going to add "Project 'Nice Talk'".

You'll have to read Hilary's article to understand the idea behind this new project.  I HIGHLY encourage it.   

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July 16, 2012

To Eternity and Beyond.....

Alright...I'm going to get a little personal today (no worries...not that personal).

I've decided to post a few pictures of my family.  All 6 of us.  In the flesh.

(trumpet sounds)

No, not just because I love them and want to share them with you all (or because I paid lotsa $$$ for this photo shoot)....but, more importantly...for validation. 

That's right.   


After seeing these pictures, I believe you will no longer wonder why I'm a little off my rocker.

Just a hunch.... this is somewhat posed but this actually happen almost daily at our house.  Except usually they are using them as light sabers or hitting each other with them. 
Yep...that's us.  Don't let them fool you....they are not usually this compliant.
Now this is more like it!

Classic....and spot on.  Ewwww...RUN AWAY...their kissing! enough with the joking (only I wasn't joking).

I truly am grateful to the Lord for trusting me with these four "spirited" boys (as a member of our ward (congregation) put it yesterday).  How blessed I am to have a knowledge of eternal families.  I'm so thankful for mine.  I love them.  I really do.

Even more so at nap time...and bedtime (or on library day when we get home and they all sit down quietly on the couch for hours and read/look through's the BEST).

How do I do it? (I often get asked)

"I'm medicated." (My "go to" answer).

True story.

But honestly?

With the Lords help.

Now THAT is a true story.
Photos taken by Alisha of Leeshy Lou Photography

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June 26, 2012

Hi...My Name is Melanie and I am mature enough to admit that I sleep with a security blanket

"Oh...You're just a BABY!"

These words will forever haunt me.  As the youngest of 7 children, each year when my birthday rolls around, I hear these words over and over. This year was no exception.  (except this time they came from a friend..ha ha ha).

At age 31 (and two days), I guess I am still in the stages of infancy, in the grand eternal scheme of things.  I get that.  But after being told countless times by older siblings how "immature" I was as a pre-pubescent, I'm beginning to wonder if I will EVER "grown up" in some peoples eyes.  Sigh....

Although, being a baby (or "the baby") does have it's advantages.

#1  Being my dad's "baby girl" (of five daughters) makes me feel just special.  He had tears in his eyes as we danced to "Butterfly Kisses" at my wedding reception.  The memory still melts my heart.  I'll cherish that forever.
#2  Four years ago, when my third child was about one year old, I got to travel "home" without my kiddos.  My dad picked me (and my sister) up from the airport and I felt young and free of responsibilities.  As I spent the evening with my family, I basked in the glow of being the "baby" again, instead of being at home taking care of my own babies.  I needed that.  Good Times! 
#3  I have 6 older siblings who watch over me with a fierce protectiveness (which may, or may not, be to make up for torturing me as a child.)  It's an awesome feeling.  Someone's always got my back...and that feels good.
 #4  And, most recently, I am more than grateful for my lack of maturity and have found great comfort in reverting to more childlike behavior.

I'll explain.

Over two decades ago my mother lovingly "tied" me a quilt for my bed.  It was white with little pink flowers.  The first several years of it's life saw plenty of use causing plenty of wear.  At one point, I took the time to stitch closed, quite haphazardly, the variety of rips and tears it had sustained, using matching white yarn my mother had stored. 

I think I must have loved that little quilt in order to have taken the time to do such a thing. 

Since those days, so long ago, the quilt has followed me around from place to place, forgotten and overlooked, stored on a high shelf in a closet or tucked away in a box somewhere.  Despite receiving very little use, it has continued to age. It now looks quite old and sad.  The fabric is so worn that the once, white cotton fibers, are now gray and have a worn down, somewhat silky quality to them.  There are several "new" holes and tears, and the batting has long since separated in the center (you can hold it up and see the light through it).  It has, without a doubt, seen better days.

Recently, I have rediscovered my love for this old quilt of mine and it has once again been put to good use.  We're somewhat inseparable, it and I.   I've lovingly named it, my "blankie".  It's true...ask my husband.  (It's can laugh.)

The story...

This past winter was pretty difficult.  I was back in the throws of depression (thanks to my adventures in life without medication) and I felt cold and numb...emotionally and physically (our previous house was always FREEZING in the winter).

One day, during nap time, I ended up grabbing the old white and pink quilt, curling up in a recliner with a cup of hot cocoa (my "vodka"--aka life coping liquid, since I don't drink alcohol), and a good book, hoping to find a "happy place" outside the reaches of my own miserable head.

Something weird happened.  It worked.  I found it.  My "happy place".

I discovered that not only did this quilt give me warmth physically (I call it "insta-warmth") but it also filled my heart with a warmth of days past.  Better days...happier days....easier days.  I found myself looking for excuses not to be productive during nap time but to "chill" so I could curl up more often and enjoying the overall good feelings that ensued. 

And then "it" happened.

In April, amidst the calamity of packing and moving my family (and all that that entails), my world came crashing down around me.  I was knocked upside the head with what I term "The Bombshell".  I was shocked, I was hurt and I was, once again, cold and numb.  I went to bed that night, curled up cocoon style in "my blankie", trying with all the fiber of my being, to find a sliver of warmth and comfort to get me through the night. 

And so it continued night after night after night.

As I have worked on recovering (at least from the shock), coping, and healing from "The Bombshell", "my blankie" and I have remained as close as ever.  :)  As the nights have warmed it has gone from wrapping me in a cocoon, to laying over me, to snuggling at my side and now lays across my pillow.

It's silky softness against my cheek still has a way of warming my heart and reassuring me that "everything will be okay.... someday".

The shrapnel from this difficult life experience will forever be with me.  It will never completely go away but as time goes on, the open wounds will heal.  I'll be okay.  

Despite what you might be thinking....I can go without this scrap of cloth.  I don't HAVE to sleep with it.  I just like to.  It's nice to have something tangible to hold on to.  Something that will never hurt you.  

Call me a "baby", call me "immature".....whatever.  This time it doesn't bother me.  In fact, I'll take it as a badge of pride. 

I love "my blankie".  It's awesome. 

Don't be too jealous.  

For all y'all quirkies out there like you have something tangible like "my blankie" that you cling to in times of need?  Just wondering.

BTW, MMUW celebrated it's very first blogiversary 5 days ago (the 21st) and I didn't even notice AND this is my 100th post.  YEAY FOR MMUW!!! 

P.S. I love to hear from you!
Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

June 25, 2012

Project Savor

Yep...I'm one of those bloggers. You know the ones that say they are going to do something and then don't (thinking of my last post). Well, there's a reason for not following through on "Project Positivity". It's not a very good one...but one, nonetheless. The day I posted about it was a very "up" day ...and since then, I'm just not feeling it. I'd like to be...but I'm not. Lame, I know. But you know the saying, "It is what it is."

Instead I'm going to focus on something new.

 "Savoring" life (or "Project Savor" as my mom termed it).

Savor?  Savor?  What does it mean "to savor"?  I'll tell you... SAVOR (verb): 1. derive or receive pleasure from; get enjoyment from; take pleasure in.

Hah....that is SO NOT ME.  I never take the time to savor anything.  ANYTHING.  My children, a freshly cleaned bathroom, a beautiful outdoor landscape, a long luxurious bath or a handful of yummy chocolatey somethings.  Never.

I have a tendency to be very impatient, desiring to move through life at a rapid pace.  On to the "next thing" before I can even finish the last.  Why walk when you can run?  Why wait when you can push ahead?  Why slow down when you can speed up?    You get the picture.  (There is nothing I hate more than being stuck behind someone who actually drives the speed limit.  It kills me.) 

I'm always frantically moving on to the "next thing" hoping to find satisfaction therein.  Does it work?  NEVER.  Quantity over quality.  Is it ever enough?  No.

Hmmmm...something to think on...and I have been....a lot.

I was never one to dream of having children.  I just always knew that I would.  And I always believed that I would have a fairly "large" least large in most people's perspective.  And you know what?  I didn't want to drag it out forever.  "Just get it over with and move on" was my motto.  ("Move on to what?" you ask.  "Life silly...." What else?)  And believe me...we tried.  But it didn't always work out.  Five miscarriages interspersed between my 4 children has caused a further spacing than originally planned.  (What ever happened to being done by 30?)
My boys--June 2012
Each time I have miscarried and received a priesthood blessing the message is always the same "the Lord is grateful for my willingness to bring more children into the's just not time."  And each time I have wondered what exactly that meant.....and, again, each time....after just a little bit of waiting, I've been able to look back and see just what the Lord had in store (hindsight always being 20/20 and all).  Each time he has had my best interest at heart and in his infinite knowledge has helped me to learn and grow despite the difficulty of losing a pregnancy and for that I am grateful.

So after, yet again, another miscarriage last month (the 3rd since last June) I have gotten the same message/feeling.  "It's just not time" and I am left wondering,  "What am I waiting for?  What is it the Lord wants me to learn?  What is he "saving" me from, this time? "

I think I've found my answer in a persistent chain of thoughts...."be grateful for what you have.  You have been SO BLESSED with 4 children...take time to realize what you have and enjoy them.  Spend time with your boys and LOVE them for who they are.  SHOW them you love them.  Stop looking forward to what's next...who's next...and when they will be grown and out of the house....Enjoy them while you have them.  ETC...."

In essence...."Savor" them.

So I ask myself....."Don't I already do that?"  Which is a question I already know the answer to..."no".  Not that I don't want to....I do....but I just, don't.   

I always thought I was grateful for my children.  I always thought I felt blessed for what I had.  But maybe not.  I mean, I've said the words, I've prayed them, I've even, on occasion, actually felt them.  But is that enough?

I see now that by always frantically looking forward to "what's/who's next" I have, inadvertently, been telling the Lord that what he has given me is not enough or not good enough.  I think I missed the mark thinking that "once I've raised my kids...'done my duty by them'...and they are out of the house, then my life will begin"....without realizing that they ARE my life.  They ARE why I am here.  AND that is NOT going to change.  EVER.

Maybe once this really takes root in my actions...and even better, my heart....maybe THEN we will be (truly) blessed with our twin girls.  :)  And then again...maybe not.  Maybe this is it for us.  4 rambunctious, naughty little bundles of heaven sent testosterone.
Always with the sticks--June 2012
 And that's okay.  (because that not enough?  I must be a glutton for punishment.)

For now my goal is to take time each day to "savor" them for who they are.  To not merely co-exist with them but to celebrate the time I have with them.  It's going to be hard for me.  I know I'll stumble and lose my way.  I have a lot of selfish habits to break.  But I'm ready to start doing what I think the Lord is telling me to do.   I've got nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain, right?'s to "Project Savor".  Onward and Upward.

Brothers--June 2012

Photos taken by Alisha Hayse of Leeshy Lou Photography, Omak, WA (copyrighted 2012 aka don't steal them..he he he)

June 2, 2012

Thinking positive

Whew...what a whirlwind life has become. I can hardly catch my breath. My hormones seem to be all over the place and I'm a basket case.  My poor children.  My poor husband.  Heck, I don't even want to be around MYSELF a lot lately.  :)

I've missed writing. I just can't seem to find the time to do it (too much Pinterest , calamine lotion application (I hate mosquitoes) and/or new house projects, I guess).  I'm trying...

Today I was introduced, by my friend over at From Manic to Mindful  , to an awesome phenomenon.  One that will hopefully help me pull out of my "from thought to written word" writers block and get down to the nitty gritty of Methodical Musings again. 

The phenomenon is called Project Positivity.  This brilliant idea was created by the writer of Let Go Laughing and has been going for a few weeks now.  It's purpose is to help people think positively about rediscover (or discover for the first time) who they really are.  She has weekly "homework" based on the weeks focus.  It helps you accomplish the goal for the week.  

I think it's a brilliant idea and am ready to jump on board (I'm behind...I'll have to catch up...If she accepts my application, of course).


What are all y'all up to?  I feel like I have left my blogging buddies behind.  I have not been very attentive as of late, have I?  I have not forgotten about you.  I still think about you often.  I HOPE all is well.

 P.S. I love to hear from you!
Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

April 27, 2012

Spring, Medication, and a Loving Heavenly Father

Taken in my new back yard
I have a question for you. How many times can you listen to "I Make My Own Sunshine" back to back in 13-14 minutes? Five. That's what I did during those last few grueling minutes of my elliptical workout this morning. Just thought you might want to know.  (see video at the end of the post if you wanna)

Now don't worry...I'm not here to promote another song today.  I know I've been doing that a lot lately.  No excuses...promise...except these two:  I've been really busy packing/moving/unpacking and I've had nothing to say.  Not really.  Just a bunch of "not very methodical", boring, blegh stuff.  So I decided to keep it to myself.  I just wasn't doing so great.  Not bad...but not great.

I'll tell you what though.  It's coming back.  I can FEEL it (feel being the key word here).  You know...THAT feeling.  The one where you have a sense of well being, general happiness despite life circumstances, and joy in spite of yourself.  You know....when you can actually FEEL things.

I've been asking myself, "why"?  "Why now?"  "Why when my world has just turned upside down again (in more ways that one)am I feeling better?"

Well...I have my theories.

Eleven months ago I started this blog because I felt drawn to do so.  It was the "good feelings" talking.  I was so happy then...had just come out of a long, dark, depressive slumber (with the aid of anti-depressants and methylfolate.)

I quote:
"For now I feel good.  I feel really good.  I can't remember the last time I walked around day after day with a great sense of well being and happiness.  True happiness.  It's amazes me.  I'm still in awe." (Timeline of Discovery and Recover-Through Hell and Back (more than once), June 2011.) 
And any medicated person who then, pridefully, decides that they are no longer in need of their "feel good" medications because they are feeling just SO DARN GOOD.....I went off my you know.  (see Timeline of Discovery and Recovery-Through Hell and Back (more than once), Aug 2011-Nov 2011 for more details)

Bad idea!  Let me repeat....BAD IDEA!

In November of last year I came to my senses (partially) and went back on anti's (partially) which is where I've been residing since.  Until about three weeks ago.

You see, when I made the decision to go back on anti depressants, I chose to take only half of what I had been taking before.

Well...starting in February, right about the time my husband was interviewing for his new job, I had a feeling that maybe I should up my anti-depressant dosage again.  Go back to the cocktail of medications I had been on last spring when I felt SO GOOD!  But I ignored it.  The thought came over and over into my head.  Each time I dismissed it with excuses, "I'm just being melodramatic", "I'll wait for spring to come and THEN see where I am."   "I don't need them." "I'm fine.  I'm not great but I'm fine.", etc.

That was until THAT night.  The night my world came crashing down...again.

And then I knew.  I knew I should have listened to those thoughts.  I wished, with all my heart, I would have listened to those thoughts.  But I didn't.  And I was stuck.

I didn't want to "run to them" now.  I didn't want to be one of those poor souls who don't feel like they can cope with life so they drown themselves in alcohol, drugs, etc. (passing no judgement here, of course...not my place).

I expressed this to my sister who helped me to see that maybe those thoughts were not just thoughts.  Maybe they didn't come from me.  Maybe they were promptings from the Holy Spirit that were warning me of things to come.  Tender mercies from a loving Father in Heaven and his son Jesus Christ to prepare me for what they knew was up ahead.

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, I knew they were true.  I knew it because I felt it.

So, the next day, with only a little reluctance (darn my pride)...I started taking the higher dose of anti's.

And I'm so glad I did. in not perfect and stress free.  Hardship has not disappeared.

I'm still dealing with the physical and emotional aftermath of a major move (to the middle of nowhere, remember).  We are all still adjusting.  Some days are better than others.

The shrapnel from the "bombshell"  that has changed my life forever (again) has not disappeared...and probably never will completely.

But there is HOPE in the air and I feel better equipped to handle what has been given to me.

The fog has lifted and the sun is shinning bright.

Is it...

Spring? Maybe.  Medication? Maybe.  A firm knowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and sent his Only Begotten son Jesus Christ to succor me, lift me up, and strengthen me?  Definitely.

Or, most likely, a combination of all three.

For now I'm just glad to be happy, feeling, and writing again.


Here's that awesome song if you wanna listen!

P.S. I love to hear from you! Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

April 7, 2012

He is HOPE...the only HOPE.

Remember yesterday when I could be found saying "things could be worse" and "I have a pretty darn good life"?

Well...I still believe least I'm trying to. 

A bombshell, of epic preportions, was dropped in my lap last night.

A heart racing, stomach shattering...kind of bombshell.

I'd tell you the story but it's not mine to tell. What I can tell you is that the story affects my story directly...personally.

I'm sad.  Heartbroken.  I feel completely unprepared and incapable. 

Why now? Why ever?  I don't know. But I don't have to. 

The Lord is by my fact, forget that....he is carrying me right now.  I have no strength to do it on my own today.  Some day...but not today.

The song I posted yesterday, Come to Jesus, holds new meaning for me.

The significance of this Easter weekend, and the Atonement of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, holds new meaning for me.

How grateful I am for Him. 

My brother.  My friends.  My HOPE.  The ONLY HOPE.
 P.S. I love to hear from you! Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

April 6, 2012

Come to Jesus--HOPEful Music---Happy Easter!

Oh man....what a week.

To start it all off, my husband's car broke down, not only leaving us with one car the week the kids were out of school for spring break, but costing us $500 in repairs as we are preparing to close on a house.  Great!

Then, Monday, I get home from aerobics and find that my house has flooded.  Yeah...the ENTIRE house.  The drainage hose popped off the washer while I was gone and the water from two cycles came spilling out all over the floor.  Luckily for me, a good friend, and her kids, had come home with me to "play" and spent the next several hours helping me dry off floors and drag massive area rugs outside to dry in the sun (which I prayed for since it had been overcast...and my prayers were answered).  Several already packed boxes were soaked but, tender mercies all around, none of the contents were ruined...or even wet for that matter...including 7-8 irreplaceable scrapbooks.  Amidst all the chaos...I still felt blessed.  Stressed...but blessed.

The same day, two of my children decided to give themselves haircuts.  Yeah...true story.  Luckily boys hair is pretty easily remedied...although one of them looks like a sheared sheep.  I suppose they needed haircuts anyway.

On top of all of that...I am a hormonal wreck.  Not just from stress but from the aftermath of, yet again, another miscarriage.  Seriously.  My poor kids.  The banshee mama has returned.  Perhaps I should up my medication again or just invest in a muzzle for myself.  (ha ha...joke....sort of)'s been a week but through it all, I still have a overwhelming realization that things could be worse (aka my friends basement flooded a few weeks ago when a sewage pipe broke...see, much worse).  No really.  I have a pretty darn good life.  So enough with the complaining already.

A few weeks ago my aunt passed away.  It was a sudden...very sudden thing.  The quality of her life had been gone for years....not from physical ailments but from choices she had made.  She suffered from mental illness and drug addiction and believed no one in the world loved her.  Her existence on this earth was bleak and very sad.  Our family (as in extended family) held a fast for her.  We prayed that she might find a way to get the help she needed (and find quality of life again) and that if she were beyond help in this life, that she would be able to pass on to the other side and be free of her tormented being.

That was Sunday, March 4th.  She passed away exactly one week later...Sunday, March 11th.  It was a complete shock to the family.  Not that we had any doubts that the strength of our prayers and fasting, together, would be recognized...just maybe not so quickly.  Like I was a very sudden thing.

Although it was a bitter sweet situation, it strengthened my testimony of our loving and merciful Heavenly Father.  It makes me so entirely grateful of my Savior, Jesus Christ and His infinite Atonement.

My sister sang this song at my aunts funeral (wish I could have been there) and it has not been far from my mind ever since.

How blessed we are to be able to contemplate and celebrate our Saviors triumph over life and death this weekend.  To realize that He has been "there" and is always "there" with us.  Especially when we are struggling. 

Happy Easter everyone!
forMMM P.S. I love to hear from you! Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

March 20, 2012

STAND-Booty Shakin' HOPEfilled music

 So, the move is coming along...quite nicely actually.  There's nothing like having everything fall into place that makes one just SURE that they are doing the right thing.  Not that it's all stress free.  Believe me...feelin' plenty of stress here....but the stress is unmistakeably underlined with peace.  Peace that we are going where the Lord wants us to go.  So many amazing things have happened to attest to this.  I wish I had the time and/or brain power to share them all now.

 But...I don't.   (as I type this while on my elliptical---two birds people)

However, I DO have the time to share another fantastic song with y'all.  It's a goodie.

My sister gifted me this song (from Itunes) saying (and I hope she wont mind me sharing),

"Hey Mel--I heard this song and thought of you for 2 reasons: it's got a great "bounce back" message, and it's fun to shake your booty to. I hope you enjoy! I love you--hang in there!"

Yeah...sister are pretty awesome.  And....she was right on BOTH accounts.  The message IS awesome and I do like me a good booty shaker.  :0

I HOPE you enjoy it too!

forMMM P.S. I love to hear from you! Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory
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