June 30, 2011

Private Journal Entry - October 11, 2010

This "private journal entry" was originally written for my eyes only.  A way to express myself openly and truthfully without feeling judged.  The emotions are raw, the writing, blunt and unedited, the feelings are sometimes very hard to revisit (at least the negative ones), but so very very real.

It is now published as part of my mental health timeline.  To start from the beginning, visit: Through Hell and Back (more than once)-Timeline of Recovery and Discovery. 

October 11, 2010

I’m struggling.  BIG TIME!  My spirits are down with no prospects of looking up.  I’m overwhelmed with all that lies before me and am so down on myself.

I have never felt more self loathing.  I am truly unhappy with myself.  It’s a terrible spiral to be caught up in.  It’s so hard.

I’m again contemplating seeking counseling.  I just can’t do it on my own right now.  I feel like nothing I do is good enough and yet I don’t have the energy to do better.

I am trying to follow the promptings of the Spirit but feel like I could be doing better here too.  It’s such a mess.

I went back and read previous entries (of the private journal) to try and get a boost.  Some things helped.  It’s amazing that the Lord can tell me something over a year ago that still applies today.

I truly have an amazing husband.  My children are blessings from the Lord as well.  I wish I got to actually FEEL it more.  I’m so dead inside I don’t truly FEEL anything.

I want to FEEL again.  I want to laugh again and actually feel it down to my core.  I wonder if I ever will again?

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