June 30, 2011

Private Journal Entry - January 9, 2011

This "private journal entry" was originally written for my eyes only.  A way to express myself openly and truthfully without feeling judged.  The emotions are raw, the writing, blunt and unedited, the feelings are sometimes very hard to revisit (at least the negative ones), but so very very real.

It is now published as part of my mental health timeline.  To start from the beginning, visit: Through Hell and Back (more than once)-Timeline of Recovery and Discovery. 

January 9, 2011

Tonight Gabe had a really hard lesson in “choice and accountability.”  He was given a consequence to bear that he was NOT very happy about and was, in fact, quite devastated over (even though he had been fore warned what the consequence would be before he acted).

I was left to oversee the follow-through (Rob had had enough) and I quietly and calmly reassured him over and over that he could do what had been required of him as payment (for his actions). 

He sobbed and sobbed, eventually calmed down enough to ask if we could “pause for a minute and ask Heavenly Father to help [him].”  I agreed but reminded him that Heavenly Father would not magically do the task for him but that He could bless Gabe with the patience and perseverance to see the job through.  Eventually the task was completed.

Later on, while Rob and I prayed together, Rob prayed that the Lord would help heal Gabe from our mistakes as parents and also that despite our mistakes, Gabe would be able to remain tenderhearted.  As he said those words I was taken back to the incident earlier in the evening.

I could picture Gabe in my mind sobbing, breaking down, devastated and overwhelmed with the weight of his consequences.

I saw myself quietly sitting across the room, offering encouragements (without becoming frustrated or yelling which is quite a feat for me…he he) but not offering any more than that.

Why had I not gone to him?  Offered tangible/physical comfort”

I thought about it…and knew the answer.

In my mind I often confuse consequence with punishment…and…a “punishments should hurt.”  “If it doesn’t HURT them, they NEVER LEARN!” 

Boy…was I wrong.

As Rob continued to pray my minds eye pictured our Heavenly Father with his arms wrapped around us, especially when we have made a wrong choice and are suffering the consequences of that choice.  Consequences, like Gabe, that can make us want to sob, brake down, feel devastation or be overwhelmed.

We have been taught to discipline when we feel it’s important “and then show…forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy” (D&C 121:43)…because that is what God does.

He doesn’t justify our actions.  He doesn’t’ tell us “it’s okay.”  He doesn’t’ take away the consequences, but He can and does help us through those difficult times.  He WILL comfort us and show forth an increase of love.

I, myself, can remember many times he has done that for me.  It was hard but I have never felt the love of my Savior and Heavenly Father more than I did at those times.


I am truly grateful for quiet moments of the day (which are very few and far between) where I can sit and receive insight and answers to my prayers.

I pray that my Father in Heaven will forgive me for overlooking this opportunity to forge a more loving bond between Gabe and I and I pray that I can do better in the future.


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