August 31, 2011

Anti-Depressant Independence Week 2

Today I took the next step towards independence.  I'm down to a 1/2 dose, from where I started, as of this morning.  It's kind of exciting.

So far, so good.

I have experienced a few "withdrawal" symptoms.  I was a bit shaky the first few days of "cutting down" but it got better as the week went on.  My equilibrium seems to be slightly off (a little dizzy and lightheaded) and I'm a bit nauseous at times (or at least I have a few food nasty chocolate flavored Calcium chews for one...yuck).  It's almost like I am in my first trimester of pregnancy (no, this is NOT an announcement) but very very mildly so.  It's been very "doable" so far. 

Emotionally, hormonally, chemically--whatever you want to call it--I feel fine.  In fact, even better than where I was a few weeks ago.  The other day...I felt like "me" again.  Just an over all good feeling of...well...good feelings. 

It's been just over 2 weeks since I started taking the right (aka best) from of methylfolate again.  I wonder if that has anything to do with it.  I, personally, believe it has a lot, if not everything, to do with it but I like to keep my statements open (instead of coming across as some MTHFR fanatic--even though I just might be...he he he).  Otherwise I would have said something like..."I KNOW it is the methylfolate...I KNOW it."

Maybe it is...maybe it isn't.  All I know is that I feel better now that I am taking it again and I'm cool with that....very cool with that.

Yesterday I had to fight off the melancholy and overwhelm-ed-ness (yes, I like to make up my own words) of a stressful day (first day of school, checkbook balancing, a bazillion loads of laundry to do (that I didn't get done) , empty cupboards with no money left to fill them...ugh).  But told my husband that it made me feel empowered because I WAS ABLE to fight it (told you I wouldn't go down without a fight).

I had the strength to pull myself out of my little pity party.  When my minds started to work 1,000 miles a minute with things to do, places to be, purchases to make (or more accurately purchases I can't make that I need to make because of an end-of-the-month-no-money-left-in-the-budget thing), and my failings as a human being, because I can't control all of life's situations and fix the world and keep myself from spending half of my food budget on candy, etc...., I was able to stop "the gerbil in the brain wheel" (who must have been on some sort of accelerant, I swear) and concentrate on what was REALLY important in THAT moment. thing at a time.

This is big in the "coping" department for me.  Life is stressful...Stress is a ever living fact of life.  It's how we DEAL with the stress that makes the difference, right?  I'll take it.

I am still struggling with some "brain fogginess" (I hate feeling "slow").  It had been progressively getting worse over the last few months but now (after starting the right methylfoate again) seems to be slowly clearing up.  

He he may be a MTHFR/methylfolate fanatic if......

Anyhow...while we are talking about MTHFR fanaticism, I have a funny story.

My husband thinks it it hilarious to hear me "preach" MTHFR and methylfolate.  He says it sounds like a "miracle cure" for everything.  Which, of course,  it is SO not...but since Folic Acid is really important for a lot of body functions, it can help fix a lot of problems when you are getting the right amount, right?  RIGHT? he teases me that at the end of my "speeches" I should tell women that it will increase their bust by 2 cup sizes.  His reasoning?  "It seems to do everything else".  (If only it were so.  Wouldn't that be nice.)  Then I am forced to remind him that anyone looking at me, with my completely flat chest, would know that it was a lie and all my credibility would go out the door.   We did try it out on a group of his cousins at a family reunion this summer, though.  We had one of them going for a quite a while.  It was great.

Good Times....sigh....

I'll keep you posted......

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August 27, 2011

Afraid to like myself

Here I am again...ready to bare my soul publicly.  Either I'm really brave or just really stupid.  I haven't decided yet.
For as long as I can remember I have been particularly afraid of two things:  vomitting and getting fat.

Without going into too much detail and background, I can say that these particular fears have driven me to do and think some pretty irrational things.

Today topic of vulnerability is going to be on the latter (you can read the vomit story here).

At my last appointment with my counselor Rick, which was in January or February of this year, I asked to be referred to an associate of his who had more experience dealing with "body disorders".  While I have never been anorexic (can't say that I didn't try...I made it a whole 5 hours once) or bulimic (fear of vomiting remember) I have had other real body issues for a very long time.  I just don't know the name of them.

Fear of "getting fat" has caused me to do things like:  exercise incessantly (at one point 2+ hours a day/6 days a week), obsess over every speck of food placed in my mouth, step on a scale ever hour or two (when available),  look in the mirror one minute, staring at my very toned, yet semi-gaunt looking, upper body and then blink and focus on my lower body imperfections, which would lead me to recoil in disgust and vow to loose another 10 lbs (mind you, this was when I was at a lower than normal weight already), and have a general hatred of matter what size I wore.  It's tiring, and horrible, and no way to live, though many of us DO live with these kinds of issues.  It's not healthy...there's a better way.

I felt that I should probably start working through these issues while I was doing fairly well (aka medicated) so that when the time came (and I went off medication) I would have some tools in place to cope.Well...I never did it.  I never set up the appointment.  I got a few reminder calls...yet could never bring myself to do it.

When my husband questioned why, the answer was simple.

"I'm afraid to actually like myself.  If I like myself...I'll get fat."

People who really know me will most likely say, "bah...not you Melanie."  (yeah, you know you are saying it right now)...but I'm telling you, the fear is alive and real.

As of now...because I have been so "okay" with myself for the last 7-8 months (aka my anxiety is being controlled by drugs and methylfolate), I am several pounds over my "goal" weight and not showing any signs of decreasing.  It's because I'm just too "okay" and not beating myself up every minute of every day for it.  Don't get me wrong...I'm not happy about it....not at all...but I can't muster up enough "crazy" to do anything extreme or to constantly berate myself for it.  So I have just "let go".

I have settled into a "that's life" kind of thinking...and it is....this is real life.  I have 4 boys to keep up with, a house to clean, two blogs to write, church duties to perform, laundry to do (lots of laundry to do), errands to run, play dates to go to, etc.  I don't have several hours in a day to work out anymore and I certainly don't have the energy.  I get it...and yet, it's driving me crazy.

It's like I'm too "okay" with things...except that I'm not "okay" with it.  It doesn't make sense, I know.  But it is what it is. that I'm trying to come off anti-depressants, I am wondering if I really should have gone in and seen that counselor.  It's not too late, I know that.  Maybe I will.  I'll just have to wait and see.

If my anxiety really is under control...for real...than things should be fine.  In fact, maybe coming off the medication will help get rid of this pooch on the middle that I have NEVER had before (oh...and not eating 1/4 carton of ice cream almost every night might help too).  Maybe I'm fine.  Maybe I will be okay. 

As I said in my last post, I'm trying to think positively...instead of waiting for things to go bad.

In an attempt to take a hold of this current mindboggling issue, I have been thinking about things that have helped me cope with body image and self esteem issues in the past.

There's this:

Prayer---imagine that :)

Then I came across this:


It's a small sign I made several months ago on assignment from my "positive self talk coach" (aka my sister Jennifer).  The assignment was to hang these words on my mirror (I added the picture and fancy schmancy) and to repeat the words...out loud...three times a day until I BELIEVED them to the core.  I went a little further and hung them so that they covered the part of my body that I disliked most so that I would learn to focus on more important things.

I was completely skeptical and embarrassed at first.  Not that I don't talk to myself regularly, I just don't usually talk to myself regularly on purpose.  But I did it anyway.  I'm so glad I did.  Over time, the exercise completely changed my perspective on a lot of things (things my councilor had been trying to work with me on FOREVER). 

I was so happy at the changes I could feel in me, because of these beautiful words, that I made quite a few more little signs and give them away.  A few months ago I even gave away the one that was hanging on my mirror.  I decided this morning that it's time to print up another one and get it back where I can see it every day.

(AND...I published it in PDF form so that YOU can have one on your mirror too.  Go here to download and print one out.  (you can also go here or at the bottom of MMUW's home page to pick up the HTML code for this banner for your blog as a reminder to you and your readers that you are His and that He loves you).) currently experiencing technical difficulties with the buttons

This morning I also came across this song.  I had heard it before and really liked it.  But, in light of my recently rediscovered insecurities and fears, it holds special meaning right I thought I would share it.

I spent the morning in bitter sweet tears as I listened to this song over and over again, fighting between insecurities, spawned by Satan and his worldly influences, and a knowledge of a Father in Heaven that created me and loves me and is far more concerned with who I am and who I am becoming than whether or not I have two hours to waste in a day trying to be skinny instead of taking care of my family and doing his will.

Then I began thinking about those I love, and those I don't even know yet, who are struggling with their own self esteem and insecurities and I shed a few more tears for them.

My hope and prayer is that every woman in this world, comes to understand just how beautiful and "divine by nature" she is (no matter her shape or size) and where her TRUE worth comes from.

I challenge you, just as my sister challenged me, to post those words on your mirror and repeat them until you believe them deep down in your soul.  A wise woman once said that doing this will "comfort you, strenghten your faith, and influence your conduct." are His. And He LOVES you.  And what He thinks of you (in his perfect light of knowledge, understanding, truth, and mercy) is all that REALLY matters.


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August 24, 2011

Seeking independence from anti-depressants; the next step towards full recovery

Just over two years ago I started taking anti-depressants.  For someone who rarely even takes was a big step for me.  I was afraid, no terrified, to put anything "foreign" into my body.  Especially something with so many possible side effects.

But I had run out of options.  I was sick...I finally admitted to myself... and I was not getting better.  No matter how much I wanted matter how hard I tried to talk myself into feeling happy, worthwhile, and just wasn't working.  I couldn't do it on my own anymore.  I needed help. 

I was so afraid of becoming dependent on these little "hormone leveling pills of happiness".  I was afraid of what they would do to me.  So...I prayed for guidance.  I prayed hard. 

I got my answer...and then my prayers changed.  I started to pray that I would know when it was time to come off of them.  I've been praying that way ever since.

Two months ago, heck...two weeks ago, I didn't feel ready.  I can't tell you what's changed...but something has.

I just FEEL ready to TRY. 

I visited with my doctor and we made a plan.

It's finally time.....

I took my first lowered dose today.

Over the next three weeks I will be slowly tapering down my medication.  Ideally, I'd like to be done and free of them...but will settle for significantly decreased if I absolutely must. 

I'm not going to lie.  I'm a little scared.  Life was horrible, completely unbearable, for me and my family before.  I can't go back.  For me...and for them....I just can't.

But what if I do?  What if I start "diving" again?  Will I recognize it in time?  Will I try to deny it?  Will I feel like a failure?  I don't have the answers...only time will tell.

Yesterday, after I picked up my new prescription, I was mulling over these fears in my head.  As I tossed them back and forth, I had one of those "aha" moments.

I realized that I had two choices. 

I could either go into this process worrying, waiting, and watching for some sign that I'm crashing again


I can go into it telling myself that I'm going to be fine.  That I am ready.   That my body is ready.  That my mind is ready.  That my emotions are stable and ready.  And that I can just take it one day at a time.

I am going to choose the latter.

I don't have much control over my body, but I have an amazing amount of control over my mind.  I'm going to try with all my might to stay positive and continue to thrive.  Hopefully I wont go down at all...but if I do, I won't go without a fight.

Please pray for me.  I'm going to need all the strength I can get.
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August 19, 2011

The Butterfly Effect How your life matters ---and my thoughts

A reader recommended this book to sounded intriguing.  I had birthday money left over on a gift card for I bought it.  It got here today.

I'm not much of a "self help" or "inspirational" book least not until lately.  I used to prefer brain "candy" (aka. novels) over anything that made me think, hands down.

But something in me is changing...evolving. 

I am far more interested in things of REAL importance instead of always looking to merely be entertained.  I think it drives my husband crazy sometimes...heck, it drives ME crazy.  But, I'm just not very interested in "fluff" right now.  It's strange.

So...I sat down to read this little book.

Took me less than 25 minutes to read...worth every minute.

The stories told are inspiring...the word imagery beautiful.

"There are generations yet unborn whose very lives will be shifted and shaped by the moves you make and the actions you take today.  And tomorrow.  And the next day.  And the next.


You have been created as one of kind.  On the planet Earth, there has never been one like you...and there never will be again.  Your spirit, your thoughts, and feelings, your ability to reason and act all exist in no one else.  The rarities that make you special are no mere accident or quirt of fate.



...The very beating of your heart has meaning and purpose...

...Your life...And what you do with it today....MATTERS FOREVER."-

                                        -Andy Andrews, The Butterfly Effect- How Your Life Matters

Isn't that amazing?!?

Now that I have read this book, and know what her statement means, I feel incredibly honored that Rebecca at A Mess of Musings left a comment saying, "you have become one of the butterflies in my life!!" 

Truly honored.

This particular journey in blogging has not been particularly easy (something to do with spilling ones most valuable innards (guts) to perfect strangers on the world wide web...leaving one open to huge amounts of vulnerability)...but I'm glad that it has ""mattered" to someone.  Because of that, it has been totally worth it. 


So let's all get on "out there" and do it already.  :)

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August 17, 2011

The "good, Better, and BEST" of Folic Acid

Today I want to talk about the good, better and best...nope not talking about this good better and best (also very good information)...but about the good, better and best of Folic Acid.

Ask anyone who knows anything about the human body and medicine...they can and will tell you about the importance of Folic Acid (folate) and it's uses in the human body.  It is vital for many, if not most, of our bodies functions.  So making sure you have enough folic acid is really important.

Unfortunately, there are some of us (a large percentage---try 70%) who have a genetic condition/defect/varient (whatever you want to call it) called MTHFR that makes it difficult (and for some, nearly impossible) to convert regular Folic Acid  or Folate from our food and regular supplementation (multi-vitamins, folate supplements), and convert it into the usable form the body needs called L-methyltetrahydrofolate, or methylfolate for short. (For more information, see my page on MTHFR )

So how do you get past that?  You take a pre-methylated, already active, already usable form of methylfolate.  This helps to bypass any problems your body might have in breaking it down itself.  Right?  Right!

I, for one, am one of these people.  I have a "mild" form of the MTHFR defect.  So...I take methylfolate.

Just recently I learned, sadly, that not methylfolates are created equal (as man was).  Bummer.

A few months back I found a new brand of Methylfolate made by a company (we'll call it "P") that had not been mentioned to me by my doctor.  It was the same price as the brand he had recommended (company "T") but TWICE the capsules.  Now, I don't know about you, but I am a pretty frugal lady....and that really appealed to me.

I checked the bottle labels of both companies (P and T) and saw that, other than a few differences in what the capsules were made from, the ingredients appeared to be the same.  So I bought the cheaper ones, of course.

A few weeks into taking the new stuff, I told my husband, "It doesn't feel the same," but chalked it up to scepticism (I mean, they were basically half the price...there's gotta be something wrong with them) and then paranoia (It's just in my head).  Eventually I upped my dose and tried to move on.

Slowly over the last two months I have felt myself very slowly declining.  I'm nowhere NEAR as low or as dysfunctional as I was before but, none-the-less, the changes are still pretty evident.

Lower emotions, slow mentation (brain fog, words-stuck-in-brain-can't-come-out-of-mouth-which-leads-to-social-awkwardness syndrome), and had another miscarriage.  All symptoms of decreased levels of Folic Acid. 

I should have followed my gut instinct about the new methylfolate.

And then when things start to go south....why is it that I automatically go into denial?  ("This cant be happening again, this cant be happening again, this cant be happening again....".)  Then I just freeze up while things continue to get worse.  DUH Melanie!

I'm grateful that the Lord, in his grace, is always looking out for me. 

While attending his seminar last week (was it only last week?), I had the chance to talk to Dr. Rawlins about the new supplement I had found (which is actually the ONLY reason I went again this time).  He had never heard of it.  When I told him that it claimed to be the same supplement but was twice the pills for the same price, he only had one question.

"Is it L-methylfolate or DL-methylfolate?

What the what?

"I don't know," I said.  "It just says 5-methyltetrahydrofolate on the bottle."

"My guess," he said, "is that it is DL and not L.  And while DL is better than taking's not the purest form of methylfolate and therefore is not as effective."

 Bummer....I had no idea.

He continued, "You should look into it.  Companies that sell "L" are pretty proud of the fact that they sell the "purest" form and are usually pretty good about disclosing that fact...the other companies are not as good about disclosing that theirs is not as good."  (this doctor was there, as well, and confirmed Dr. Rawlins suspicion.)

I took a few minutes during the seminar to do some research on my laptop.  I couldn't find anywhere where company P disclosed what form of methylfolate they produced.  Not even on their OWN website.

D.A.N.G. I.T....

I KNEW I should not have taken a walk down the unbeaten (un-prescribed) path.  Shame on me for being so cheap. 
Back to the drawing board.

I came home and re-ordered some of my "usual" Methylfolate and have been taking it again for 3-4 days.

Whether the lack of "pure" methylfolate was a catalyst in the miscarriage, along with the decreased sense of well-being, or it just so happens to be a coincidence, I don't know.  What's done is done.

If anything, this experience will most likely turn out to be one more thing to reaffirm to me how much I need to be on this particular folic acid supplement.

I'm going to be watching myself closely for the next few weeks.  I'll have to wait and see (or more accurately, feel) what happens.

I'm optimistic things will be looking up sometime soon.

Folic Acid (Folate)...good.

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August 13, 2011

HOPE in eternal families

Today my emotions are raw and vulnerable.  I have a lot on my mind.

8 weeks ago I found out **SURPRISE** that I was carrying another baby...only to have the pregnancy fail just days later.  While I really am okay with it (like I said, it took us by surprise and not quite ready for it) my hormones are otherwise.  It was at about 8 weeks postpartum with  my last two babies that my emotions tanked.  Stupid, dang emotions.  So...I believe I might be experiencing that again.  Yeay for me!  Luckily, I'm in a much better place of awareness and stability than I was back then.  I'm hopeful it wont last for long.

This morning I was listening to one of my favorite music artist, Hilary Weeks, and heard this song entitled, If I Only Had Today.  As usual my thought's split in two directions...first to my family (my husband and boys) and then to her and hers.

I found Melissa's blog while browsing a blog networking sight one night.  It happened to be the day she and her husband took down the crib of their newly deceased 6 month old triplet Owen.  I was instantly drawn to her story and spent hours going back and reading up on their lives.  Things have not changed for me.  I still feel drawn to her, Owen, her husband and her three other boys.  I feel like I have known them forever.  My heart breaks for them, my heart mourns with them.  It's strange.  Of all the blogs...stories...tragedies...I have come across, I have never been so drawn in...I yearn to comfort them.

It was through her blog that I found this blog yesterday as well.  Another infant death.  Another mourning mama.  My heart breaks all over again...I can't imagine what they are going through.

Now, while I have not lost a child after birth, I now have experienced 3 known miscarriages.

"It's just a fact of life," one OB told me.

True...I believe that is true.

But it is more than's a matter for the eternities.

As members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we believe that through the modern day prophet, Joseph Smith, Jesus Christ's church, His priesthood and His authority has been restored to the earth.

Along with His proper authority, through His priesthood, was restored the ability for families to be sealed (bound) together not only until death doth part them, but for ETERNITY.  Through that authority Rob and I have been sealed in one of God's Holy Temples (Manti, UT) and believe, with out whole hearts, that these children we have lost will be ours again some day.

The prophet Joseph Smith taught...through revelation from the Lord Jesus spoken here by his nephew Joseph F. Smith:

"Joseph Smith taught the doctrine that the infant child that was laid away in death would come up in the resurrection as a child; and, pointing to the mother of a lifeless child, he said to her: 'You will have the joy, the pleasure, and satisfaction of nurturing this child, after its resurrection, until it reaches the full stature of its spirit.'
There is restitution, there is growth, there is development, after the resurrection from death. I love this truth. It speaks volumes of happiness, of joy and gratitude to my soul. Thank the Lord he has revealed these principles to us."  (found here)

Rob and I know we will have an opportunity to raise these spirits that have gone on, before we even had the chance to know them (which is somewhat releaving ...I can't imagine having 7 kids right now...sheesh).  It doesn't make the sadness go away but it makes it a lot easier to bare.

Joseph Smith, a man who lost six children of his own, also taught:
“I have meditated upon the subject, and asked the question, why it is that infants, innocent children, are taken away from us. … The Lord takes many away, even in infancy, that they may escape the envy of man, and the sorrows and evils of this present world; they were too pure, too lovely, to live on earth; therefore, if rightly considered, instead of mourning we have reason to rejoice as they are delivered from evil, and we shall soon have them again.”  (quote found here).

It is because of my firm testimony in the restored gospel of Jesus Christ I can mourn with understanding.  I would be so lost not knowing these truths.  

So for now...I can say goodbye to that spirit, who I didn't even get to feel move inside me, and look forward to the day that I will raise HER (you see that...HER...oh please let it be a her  :)...) some day. :)
Melissa, or anyone else out there who may have lost a child and is reading this, just know that I KNOW these things are true.  I KNOW you can see your sweet baby boy (Owen), or girl, again and that your family can be together...bound...sealed...for eternity.  I have prayed to my Heavenly Father and asked for confirmation of this truth and he has answered my prayers...many times over. 

So...while my emotions may be all out of wack...I still have peace that things are going to be okay...and for that, I am SO grateful.


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August 9, 2011

Emotional Baggage...a heritage better left ungifted

Heritage n.
2. Something that is passed down from preceding generations; a tradition.

Our fore fathers, ancestors, predecessors, those who have come before us (whatever you want to call them) have all contributed to who we are.  They have handed down property, possessions, genetics, morals, values...or a lack of these things (except the genetics, of course...).   In some cases, we have not been given anything, other than a desire to be nothing like them.

For better or for worse, we are all products of our heritage.

Today I'd like to write about a specific kind of heritage.  A heritage known as baggage.  Nope, not the kind you take to the airport (althought some of you may have inherited something like that) but more or less this kind...

Baggage n.
2.  Factors that restrict a person's freedom, often in an intellectual or psychological way (example: He's got a lot of emotional baggage.) stinks...but we all have it and I'm gonna talk about some of mine (why not...I talk about everything else, right?)

Everyone wants to be loved...everyone wants to accepted, welcomed, wanted...right?

No one wants to feel like a nusence, a bother, unaccepted, unwelcome, unwanted...true?

Well...the latter is how I feel far too often. 

I come from a large family.  I am the youngest of 7 kids.  All of you out there that think every youngest child get's "spoiled"...think again.  At least, it wasn't that way in my experience (could be because my mother had all seven of us in 9.5 years...there wasn't really room to spoil).  On the contrary...I was always being teased, ridiculed, and made the butt of every practical joke (E.T. puppet, Annie mask, food color "poisoning" know who you are you responsible parties...he he).

I was the annoying little sister,  the nuisance, the tag along, the immature one.  The one that no one wanted around.  I heard "get out of my room" A LOT.   All in good fun of course...we were siblings...that's what siblings do (no worries guys...I'm over it now).  But what it did do was build a well of emotions that is dipped into anytime I am feeling insecure or vulnerable.  (Even to this day, the word "annoying" is one of the most hurtful things anyone could ever say to me (or anyone else for that matter)...I just heard it way too often back then.) 

Fast forward a few years.  A relationship in high school with, we'll call him "FRED", deep rooted any feeling of worthlessness I may have harbored from childhood.  Fred was abusive, manipulative, and just plain mean.  Anytime I threatened to break up with him, he would tell me that no one would ever want me, except him.  And I believed him for a long time.  Anytime I would go through with the break-up he would make sure no one asked me out (he went so far as to threaten his friends).  Subsequently I would feel lonely and sad and go crawling back to him.  Fred was a total jerk but I wanted to be wanted.  That's not so unusual, right?  It took a long time time to break free from him and pull myself back together.  (Stupid boy)

Or so I thought...

That seems to be the deal with emotional baggage.  Even when you think you have buried the "trunk" in the deepest darkest crevices of a backroom always seems to surface when you least expect it.

The other day, a loved one, whom we will call Wilma, said something to me that knocked me down low.  Lower than I have been in a long time.  I knew she didn't mean least not the way she said it and so I'm not quite sure why it affected me so much.  Off emotional day perhaps? I'm used to her "less than cushioned" comments but this time it made me feel completely unloved, unimportant, unwelcome, and eventually fuming mad.  I came back with a kind, yet sarcastic remark on the phone...while trying to hold back the tears...and finished the conversation.

I called my husband at work...told him what had happened and how it made me feel.  "So call her back and tell her, " he said.

I should have...right away...but I ignored his advise and instead chose to let the feelings up for a while...

Not good...not good.

When confronted by one of my children with a question about Wilma, I unloaded my baggage on him and exclaimed something like, "Why does it matter...why bother...Wilma doesn't even want us...anyway."  (Which sounds kinda funny out of context but...whatever.) Unfortunately...he wasn't the only one in the room...all my children were there.  They all looked startled and a little sad at my declaration.  (Stupid mommy)

"Now what the heck did I just do?"  I thought to myself.  I just unloaded a bucket load of MY issues onto my children.  "What was I thinking?"

I sat back as the next hour passed and though about more incidences when I have unloaded this particular type of baggage (cuz I've got a variety) on them.

Like the times they call a one answers the phone...they insist on riding their bikes over to see if they can play (which it a completely normal thing to do...and yet)...I refuse saying, "Don't bug them to death...if they wanted to play they would have answered the phone" or when a friend can't play until their room is clean and my children continue to ask if they can go over to their house every 10 minutes to see if they are done and I say, "No...stop annoying them.  They will come and get you when they can."  and when the friend doesn't show up..."I'm sorry...but bugging the heck out of them wont change anything."

These are only a few cases but nevertheless, damaging.

Why do I do it?  I don't know...but I've decided that it has to stop.

Kids are kids...they are going to accumulate enough baggage on their own over time...they don't need to inherit mine.

My job is to lift them up...not make them more insecure...sheesh Melanie.

So...the end of the story...

I pulled all of my kids together and apologized for what I had said about Wilma.  I told them that Wilma had said something that had made me upset and that I didn't mean what I had said about her not wanting us.

"Wilma really does love you know that?"

"Yeah," they said.

Back to normal...hopefully no lasting damage.

I ended up talking to Wilma about my issues a few hours later.  I'm just not willing to hang onto feelings anymore.  I had to tell her where I was coming from....and then I was over it...all is forgiven.  

So for now things are good...other than trying to get over the good natured comment made about me by the writer of The Pursuit of Happiness which I happened to read just hours before my conversation with Wilma.

His comment..."She's an interesting person although I think if I knew her in person her enthusiasm would overwhelm me."  (my interpretation..."she's annoying".)  (CLARIFICATION:---he never said I was annoying---it's just my insecurities that made me interpret it that way)  I mean, he has a valid point.  If I had read my own blog in the depths of depression I would have found myself overly enthusiastic as well.

But still...the comment hits me where I'm weakest.  Sniff...sniff...  I found myself writing him an e-mail assuring him that I'm not so bad in person.  Can we say insecure?

Sigh...The well really does run deep.  I'm working on it.

Question?  Have you ever unleashed any emotional baggage on your poor unsuspecting offspring?

Leave a comment! I love to hear from you!

MTHFR free seminar tonight

I'll be attending Dr. Rawlins seminar on MTHFR again tonight.  I'm really excited to get more information, and in some cases, just a better understanding of the information I already have. 

Last I heard he was planning on video taping this session and will then be posting it online (3 year old seminar videos found here).

If that's the case, I'll keep you posted on the when and where of the posting.  Especially for all y'all out there who are not local yocals...

This time I'm taking my laptop so I can take better notes. 
P.S. Leave a comment! I love to hear from you!

August 1, 2011

Depressed Atheist meets depression recovering chance?

"There is Hope on the Horizon" (word from Hilary Weeks) are a few words that come to mind when I think about my new blogging friend/acquaintance.

I found his blog, Pursuit of Happiness, a few months ago...right before I launched MMUB.  I was browsing "depression blogs" (having a look around in my new niche) and his was one of the first that popped up on Google.  I read a bit here and there...and then got caught up in my own launch.  I didn't check back for a while.

After attending a seminar on MTHFR (yeah, laugh it up all you juveniles, wink wink) by Dr Rawlins in June, I felt a whole new sense of urgency to spread the word about this common genetic variant and the supplement (5-MTHF, also known as MethylFolate (in other terms, folic acid in a ready form--no inner body breaking down needed) that helps bypass the problem.

At this point I had already experienced the benefits of it myself ( feels so good to have myself back) and felt a firm confirmation at the seminar that this "discovery" was the answer I had been looking for, for myself, for a few of my children and members of my extended family.  I felt it so strongly...I couldn't deny it.  As I prayed and thanked Heavenly Father for this knowledge the names of a few people, close friends and acquaintances, came to mind as well.  I couldn't shake the feeling.  I knew I had to tell them about it too.  So I did.

One day I had a feeling I should Google "depression blogs" again.  I am learning to follow those feelings...I jumped on the computer that night.  I, once again, came across Pursuit of Happiness.  Out of all of the blogs that popped up, I felt drawn to his.  The man who writes this anonymous blog has been suffering from depression for as long as he can remember and is very interested in natural remedies rather than drug related medications (Not that I blame him.  I forgot my anti-depressant yesterday and am feeling very loopy and jittery today...stupid drugs...I hope to start weening off them sooner than later).

I said to Rob, "I feel like I should e-mail him."  "So do it," he said.

To my surprise he e-mailed back.  He read the info I sent him, is on board with trying out the 5-MTHF, and is feeling very optimistic about his depression and future.  He even e-mailed me to tell me he had blogged about it (read his post here).  To my surprise, it was through that post I learned he is an atheist.  An in, someone who doesn't believe in God...and yet, I KNOW it was God that lead me to him.  I completely respect his just strikes me as quite the ironic situation.  Strange huh?

It's been an amazing experience for me (I'm not sure how he feels about it).  Atheism is a whole new territory for me...I have never even met an atheist before (growing up not only LDS but in Utah County, UTAH of all places) let alone talked to one.  I have been picking his brain and he is very patient in answering my questions.  I even quoted scripture to him last night (2 Nephi 2:25)...I think he took it rather well.  ;)

I can't help but feel very optimistic for his future.  I, personally, don't feel like I happened on him by chance.  I can't wait for him to start taking it and hope that within 4 months (which is the recommended "give it a try" time period by Dr. Rawlins) he starts noticing some real "ups".

Don't get me wrong...when I start "preaching" this stuff my husband always tells me it sounds like I am "preaching" a "miracle drug"...and tells me to add that it will increase bust size by two cups (so not true...but we had one of his cousins going for a while).  "Hey, it could happen," he says, "it seems to do everything else."  (insert dry laughter here...Ha ha ha).

The fact that Methylfolate is not a "miracle drug" but a simple supplement (one you are already taking in it's INACTIVE form (folate) if you take any multi-vitamin) makes it's importance and credibility even more powerful.  If you have a genetic issue like a MTHFR variant (a condition that makes the body unable to produce enough enzymes to break down folate into it's usable form, methylfolate) it only makes sense that taking the methylated form of the drug should help correct that, right?  The same applies for someone with asthma, or diabetes.  They have a genetic issue that needs outside forms of "correction" in order for a them to "bypass" their condition.  It's no miracle... it's biochemistry.

So anyway...I'm going to keep tabs on ***.  I hope and pray that this is the solution for him (yes, *** I am praying for you...unless you don't want me to... because I believe God is aware of you and wants bigger and better things for you.  He wants you to be happy.).

I'll keep y'all updated as well and...unless he has an objection...will you pray for him too?
forMMM P.S. Leave a comment! I love to hear from you!
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