April 27, 2012

Spring, Medication, and a Loving Heavenly Father

Taken in my new back yard
I have a question for you. How many times can you listen to "I Make My Own Sunshine" back to back in 13-14 minutes? Five. That's what I did during those last few grueling minutes of my elliptical workout this morning. Just thought you might want to know.  (see video at the end of the post if you wanna)

Now don't worry...I'm not here to promote another song today.  I know I've been doing that a lot lately.  No excuses...promise...except these two:  I've been really busy packing/moving/unpacking and I've had nothing to say.  Not really.  Just a bunch of "not very methodical", boring, blegh stuff.  So I decided to keep it to myself.  I just wasn't doing so great.  Not bad...but not great.

I'll tell you what though.  It's coming back.  I can FEEL it (feel being the key word here).  You know...THAT feeling.  The one where you have a sense of well being, general happiness despite life circumstances, and joy in spite of yourself.  You know....when you can actually FEEL things.

I've been asking myself, "why"?  "Why now?"  "Why when my world has just turned upside down again (in more ways that one)am I feeling better?"

Well...I have my theories.

Eleven months ago I started this blog because I felt drawn to do so.  It was the "good feelings" talking.  I was so happy then...had just come out of a long, dark, depressive slumber (with the aid of anti-depressants and methylfolate.)

I quote:
"For now I feel good.  I feel really good.  I can't remember the last time I walked around day after day with a great sense of well being and happiness.  True happiness.  It's amazes me.  I'm still in awe." (Timeline of Discovery and Recover-Through Hell and Back (more than once), June 2011.) 
And then...like any medicated person who then, pridefully, decides that they are no longer in need of their "feel good" medications because they are feeling just SO DARN GOOD.....I went off my anti-depressants...as you know.  (see Timeline of Discovery and Recovery-Through Hell and Back (more than once), Aug 2011-Nov 2011 for more details)

Bad idea!  Let me repeat....BAD IDEA!

In November of last year I came to my senses (partially) and went back on anti's (partially) which is where I've been residing since.  Until about three weeks ago.

You see, when I made the decision to go back on anti depressants, I chose to take only half of what I had been taking before.

Well...starting in February, right about the time my husband was interviewing for his new job, I had a feeling that maybe I should up my anti-depressant dosage again.  Go back to the cocktail of medications I had been on last spring when I felt SO GOOD!  But I ignored it.  The thought came over and over into my head.  Each time I dismissed it with excuses, "I'm just being melodramatic", "I'll wait for spring to come and THEN see where I am."   "I don't need them." "I'm fine.  I'm not great but I'm fine.", etc.

That was until THAT night.  The night my world came crashing down...again.

And then I knew.  I knew I should have listened to those thoughts.  I wished, with all my heart, I would have listened to those thoughts.  But I didn't.  And I was stuck.

I didn't want to "run to them" now.  I didn't want to be one of those poor souls who don't feel like they can cope with life so they drown themselves in alcohol, drugs, etc. (passing no judgement here, of course...not my place).

I expressed this to my sister who helped me to see that maybe those thoughts were not just thoughts.  Maybe they didn't come from me.  Maybe they were promptings from the Holy Spirit that were warning me of things to come.  Tender mercies from a loving Father in Heaven and his son Jesus Christ to prepare me for what they knew was up ahead.

As soon as the words were out of her mouth, I knew they were true.  I knew it because I felt it.

So, the next day, with only a little reluctance (darn my pride)...I started taking the higher dose of anti's.

And I'm so glad I did.

No...life in not perfect and stress free.  Hardship has not disappeared.

I'm still dealing with the physical and emotional aftermath of a major move (to the middle of nowhere, remember).  We are all still adjusting.  Some days are better than others.

The shrapnel from the "bombshell"  that has changed my life forever (again) has not disappeared...and probably never will completely.

But there is HOPE in the air and I feel better equipped to handle what has been given to me.

The fog has lifted and the sun is shinning bright.

Is it...

Spring? Maybe.  Medication? Maybe.  A firm knowledge that I have a Father in Heaven who loves me and sent his Only Begotten son Jesus Christ to succor me, lift me up, and strengthen me?  Definitely.

Or, most likely, a combination of all three.

For now I'm just glad to be happy, feeling, and writing again.


Here's that awesome song if you wanna listen!

P.S. I love to hear from you! Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

April 7, 2012

He is HOPE...the only HOPE.

Remember yesterday when I could be found saying "things could be worse" and "I have a pretty darn good life"?

Well...I still believe that....at least I'm trying to. 

A bombshell, of epic preportions, was dropped in my lap last night.

A heart racing, stomach lurching....life shattering...kind of bombshell.

I'd tell you the story but it's not mine to tell. What I can tell you is that the story affects my story directly...personally.

I'm sad.  Heartbroken.  I feel completely unprepared and incapable. 

Why now? Why ever?  I don't know. But I don't have to. 

The Lord is by my side...in fact, forget that....he is carrying me right now.  I have no strength to do it on my own today.  Some day...but not today.

The song I posted yesterday, Come to Jesus, holds new meaning for me.

The significance of this Easter weekend, and the Atonement of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, holds new meaning for me.

How grateful I am for Him. 

My brother.  My friends.  My HOPE.  The ONLY HOPE.
 P.S. I love to hear from you! Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory

April 6, 2012

Come to Jesus--HOPEful Music---Happy Easter!

Oh man....what a week.

To start it all off, my husband's car broke down, not only leaving us with one car the week the kids were out of school for spring break, but costing us $500 in repairs as we are preparing to close on a house.  Great!

Then, Monday, I get home from aerobics and find that my house has flooded.  Yeah...the ENTIRE house.  The drainage hose popped off the washer while I was gone and the water from two cycles came spilling out all over the floor.  Luckily for me, a good friend, and her kids, had come home with me to "play" and spent the next several hours helping me dry off floors and drag massive area rugs outside to dry in the sun (which I prayed for since it had been overcast...and my prayers were answered).  Several already packed boxes were soaked but, tender mercies all around, none of the contents were ruined...or even wet for that matter...including 7-8 irreplaceable scrapbooks.  Amidst all the chaos...I still felt blessed.  Stressed...but blessed.

The same day, two of my children decided to give themselves haircuts.  Yeah...true story.  Luckily boys hair is pretty easily remedied...although one of them looks like a sheared sheep.  I suppose they needed haircuts anyway.

On top of all of that...I am a hormonal wreck.  Not just from stress but from the aftermath of, yet again, another miscarriage.  Seriously.  My poor kids.  The banshee mama has returned.  Perhaps I should up my medication again or just invest in a muzzle for myself.  (ha ha...joke....sort of)

Yeah...it's been a week but through it all, I still have a overwhelming realization that things could be worse (aka my friends basement flooded a few weeks ago when a sewage pipe broke...see, much worse).  No really.  I have a pretty darn good life.  So enough with the complaining already.

A few weeks ago my aunt passed away.  It was a sudden...very sudden thing.  The quality of her life had been gone for years....not from physical ailments but from choices she had made.  She suffered from mental illness and drug addiction and believed no one in the world loved her.  Her existence on this earth was bleak and very sad.  Our family (as in extended family) held a fast for her.  We prayed that she might find a way to get the help she needed (and find quality of life again) and that if she were beyond help in this life, that she would be able to pass on to the other side and be free of her tormented being.

That was Sunday, March 4th.  She passed away exactly one week later...Sunday, March 11th.  It was a complete shock to the family.  Not that we had any doubts that the strength of our prayers and fasting, together, would be recognized...just maybe not so quickly.  Like I said...it was a very sudden thing.

Although it was a bitter sweet situation, it strengthened my testimony of our loving and merciful Heavenly Father.  It makes me so entirely grateful of my Savior, Jesus Christ and His infinite Atonement.

My sister sang this song at my aunts funeral (wish I could have been there) and it has not been far from my mind ever since.

How blessed we are to be able to contemplate and celebrate our Saviors triumph over life and death this weekend.  To realize that He has been "there" and is always "there" with us.  Especially when we are struggling. 

Happy Easter everyone!
forMMM P.S. I love to hear from you! Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...