November 22, 2011

"Now is Not What Forever Will Be"

The days are getting better.  I have missed you, my friends.

The other day, I said to my husband, "It's so hard to believe that not that long ago I felt SO GOOD!"  And it's true.  It is hard to believe...and yet, I can remember what it was like.

I wish I had it in my power to magically recreate it.  I miss it.

In an attempt to "[Put] Him First" today, I read an article published in our church magazine The Ensign, entitled "You Matter to Him".  I was comforted and strengthened by these particular words,
"...Please understand that what you see and experience now is not what forever will be.  You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever.  We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him (see Hebrews 13:5).  Have hope and faith in that promise.  Learn to love your Heavenly Father and become His disciple in word and deed.
Be assured that if you but hold on, believe in Him, and remain faithful in keeping the commandments, one day you will experience for yourself the promises revealed to the Apostle Paul:  'Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.' (1 Corinthians 2:9)"
And I believe those words.  I do.  Because I have experienced them for myself.

Depression, at least for me, is a very selfish thing.  I become all consumed with "me" and find it hard to look outside myself.  On a good day my feelings of well being extend as far as my husband and children and only on an extremely good day am I able to give "care", or even thought, to others outside my immediate circle.

And yet, the opposite is true.  When I force myself to look outside, to focus on others as Christ did (never giving a single thought for himself), the depression, anxiety, and misery I feel, seems to lift for a short time.

As a baptized member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I've covenanted (a two-way promise) with God, among other things, "to bear [other's] burdens, that they may be light;...[to be] willing to mourn with those that mourn...and comfort those that stand in need of comfort" (Mosiah 18: 8-9).  And I am never happier than when I am doing such.

We are taught "that when [we] are in the service of [our] fellow beings, [we] are only in the service of [our] God." (Mosiah 2:17). 

Not that long ago, I was ON FIRE with the desire to help others.  That's why I started this blog.  I felt compelled to share my experiences and trials, as a way to offer others HOPE through depression and to banish the stigma and embarrassment associated with mental illness.

I felt SO GOOD and I wanted share that with others.  I had such faith and HOPE in the future.  The more I shared...the happier I became, because I felt like I was doing exactly what the Lord wanted me to do.

And now it's gone.  Not that I don't love you all...and still care for you....I'm just fighting to get out of my own hole.  And it really stinks.

But...when I read these words today...."now is not what forever will be", I felt a shred of HOPE.  I will figure this out.  I will  thrive again.

Every day I will strive to HOLD ON....strive to BELIEVE IN HIM...strive to REMAIN FAITHFUL in keeping His commandments...and I will strive my darndest to GET OUT of myself and SERVE others.

And then I will have faith and wait.

Things will be GOOD again.

The Lord is not done with me.  He still has good for me to do.  My purpose in life is not lost.

I believe all things happen for a reason.

He will use this period of my life for His good.

And once I pass through this particular refiner's fire....I will be ON FIRE again.

You'll see.

In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger, "I'll be back."   

P.S. I love to hear from you! Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory


Natalie J said...

I am sorry you are struggling. Know that you will be missed tomorrow, but we all know that you had a good reason to be where you are...someone there needs you! You are a blessing to your family (all of us) and to those around you...even if you can't see it. Love you!

Melanie said...

I love you too, Nat.

I did have an incredible experience yesterday and am grateful we stayed, even if I will miss you all terribly tomorrow.

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