August 24, 2011

Seeking independence from anti-depressants; the next step towards full recovery

Just over two years ago I started taking anti-depressants.  For someone who rarely even takes was a big step for me.  I was afraid, no terrified, to put anything "foreign" into my body.  Especially something with so many possible side effects.

But I had run out of options.  I was sick...I finally admitted to myself... and I was not getting better.  No matter how much I wanted matter how hard I tried to talk myself into feeling happy, worthwhile, and just wasn't working.  I couldn't do it on my own anymore.  I needed help. 

I was so afraid of becoming dependent on these little "hormone leveling pills of happiness".  I was afraid of what they would do to me.  So...I prayed for guidance.  I prayed hard. 

I got my answer...and then my prayers changed.  I started to pray that I would know when it was time to come off of them.  I've been praying that way ever since.

Two months ago, heck...two weeks ago, I didn't feel ready.  I can't tell you what's changed...but something has.

I just FEEL ready to TRY. 

I visited with my doctor and we made a plan.

It's finally time.....

I took my first lowered dose today.

Over the next three weeks I will be slowly tapering down my medication.  Ideally, I'd like to be done and free of them...but will settle for significantly decreased if I absolutely must. 

I'm not going to lie.  I'm a little scared.  Life was horrible, completely unbearable, for me and my family before.  I can't go back.  For me...and for them....I just can't.

But what if I do?  What if I start "diving" again?  Will I recognize it in time?  Will I try to deny it?  Will I feel like a failure?  I don't have the answers...only time will tell.

Yesterday, after I picked up my new prescription, I was mulling over these fears in my head.  As I tossed them back and forth, I had one of those "aha" moments.

I realized that I had two choices. 

I could either go into this process worrying, waiting, and watching for some sign that I'm crashing again


I can go into it telling myself that I'm going to be fine.  That I am ready.   That my body is ready.  That my mind is ready.  That my emotions are stable and ready.  And that I can just take it one day at a time.

I am going to choose the latter.

I don't have much control over my body, but I have an amazing amount of control over my mind.  I'm going to try with all my might to stay positive and continue to thrive.  Hopefully I wont go down at all...but if I do, I won't go without a fight.

Please pray for me.  I'm going to need all the strength I can get.
P.S. Leave a comment! I love to hear from you!


Natalie J said...

Big step! I will be praying for you all along the way. Love ya!

DancingPrincessDesigns said...

Love you and praying for you!

Candle Ends said...

Keep a stiff upper lip. We will pray for you.

Celeste said...

You are so awesome! I'm so proud of you! Your attitude is so great. I will pray for you too but I have no doubt you can do it! Love you Mel!

Sheri said...

In my prayers for sure Mel! Keep in good contact with your doctor, husband and support network and I have no doubt that you will avoid any glimpse of the challenges you have faced in the past.

Ariane and Wyatt said...

I hope that you will be blessed as you take this new step in the recovery process. I have been on my medication for roughly the same amount of time as you have, but have not yet taken that step.

I can relate to the fear of not wanting to ever go back to the horrible, unbearable place that I found myself in two years ago, when I began my battle of conquering severe depression. My family is still working on overcoming the impact that my depression had on the entire family(particularly my children).

Please keep us updated on how things are going. We're hoping and praying for your success.

Melanie said...

Here I started this blog to try and "help" others, when it reality it is you guys who help and support me. Thank you so much everyone. I couldn't do it without you.

Marie said...

I think you are fabulously honest & open and I wish you well. The important thing is that you are trying and smart enough to realize that if you ever do need them again you will get help.

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