June 25, 2012

Project Savor

Yep...I'm one of those bloggers. You know the ones that say they are going to do something and then don't (thinking of my last post). Well, there's a reason for not following through on "Project Positivity". It's not a very good one...but one, nonetheless. The day I posted about it was a very "up" day ...and since then, I'm just not feeling it. I'd like to be...but I'm not. Lame, I know. But you know the saying, "It is what it is."

Instead I'm going to focus on something new.

 "Savoring" life (or "Project Savor" as my mom termed it).

Savor?  Savor?  What does it mean "to savor"?  I'll tell you... SAVOR (verb): 1. derive or receive pleasure from; get enjoyment from; take pleasure in.

Hah....that is SO NOT ME.  I never take the time to savor anything.  ANYTHING.  My children, a freshly cleaned bathroom, a beautiful outdoor landscape, a long luxurious bath or a handful of yummy chocolatey somethings.  Never.

I have a tendency to be very impatient, desiring to move through life at a rapid pace.  On to the "next thing" before I can even finish the last.  Why walk when you can run?  Why wait when you can push ahead?  Why slow down when you can speed up?    You get the picture.  (There is nothing I hate more than being stuck behind someone who actually drives the speed limit.  It kills me.) 

I'm always frantically moving on to the "next thing" hoping to find satisfaction therein.  Does it work?  NEVER.  Quantity over quality.  Is it ever enough?  No.

Hmmmm...something to think on...and I have been....a lot.

I was never one to dream of having children.  I just always knew that I would.  And I always believed that I would have a fairly "large" family....at least large in most people's perspective.  And you know what?  I didn't want to drag it out forever.  "Just get it over with and move on" was my motto.  ("Move on to what?" you ask.  "Life silly...." What else?)  And believe me...we tried.  But it didn't always work out.  Five miscarriages interspersed between my 4 children has caused a further spacing than originally planned.  (What ever happened to being done by 30?)
My boys--June 2012
Each time I have miscarried and received a priesthood blessing the message is always the same "the Lord is grateful for my willingness to bring more children into the world.....it's just not time."  And each time I have wondered what exactly that meant.....and, again, each time....after just a little bit of waiting, I've been able to look back and see just what the Lord had in store (hindsight always being 20/20 and all).  Each time he has had my best interest at heart and in his infinite knowledge has helped me to learn and grow despite the difficulty of losing a pregnancy and for that I am grateful.

So after, yet again, another miscarriage last month (the 3rd since last June) I have gotten the same message/feeling.  "It's just not time" and I am left wondering,  "What am I waiting for?  What is it the Lord wants me to learn?  What is he "saving" me from, this time? "

I think I've found my answer in a persistent chain of thoughts...."be grateful for what you have.  You have been SO BLESSED with 4 children...take time to realize what you have and enjoy them.  Spend time with your boys and LOVE them for who they are.  SHOW them you love them.  Stop looking forward to what's next...who's next...and when they will be grown and out of the house....Enjoy them while you have them.  ETC...."

In essence...."Savor" them.

So I ask myself....."Don't I already do that?"  Which is a question I already know the answer to..."no".  Not that I don't want to....I do....but I just, don't.   

I always thought I was grateful for my children.  I always thought I felt blessed for what I had.  But maybe not.  I mean, I've said the words, I've prayed them, I've even, on occasion, actually felt them.  But is that enough?

I see now that by always frantically looking forward to "what's/who's next" I have, inadvertently, been telling the Lord that what he has given me is not enough or not good enough.  I think I missed the mark thinking that "once I've raised my kids...'done my duty by them'...and they are out of the house, then my life will begin"....without realizing that they ARE my life.  They ARE why I am here.  AND that is NOT going to change.  EVER.

Maybe once this really takes root in my actions...and even better, my heart....maybe THEN we will be (truly) blessed with our twin girls.  :)  And then again...maybe not.  Maybe this is it for us.  4 rambunctious, naughty little bundles of heaven sent testosterone.
Always with the sticks--June 2012
 And that's okay.  (because really...is that not enough?  I must be a glutton for punishment.)

For now my goal is to take time each day to "savor" them for who they are.  To not merely co-exist with them but to celebrate the time I have with them.  It's going to be hard for me.  I know I'll stumble and lose my way.  I have a lot of selfish habits to break.  But I'm ready to start doing what I think the Lord is telling me to do.   I've got nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain, right?

So...here's to "Project Savor".  Onward and Upward.

Brothers--June 2012

Photos taken by Alisha Hayse of Leeshy Lou Photography, Omak, WA (copyrighted 2012 aka don't steal them..he he he)


Celeste said...

Oh man I love you! I love that you are always trying to grow and be a better person/Mom/wife. I love that you make me think. I've always dreamt of when I'd be a Mom, and like you, for a long time I waited for ever next thing. "When they can crawl, or walk, or no more diapers" etc. Luckily, when Jenna was little and I realized she would be my last one I really "savored" every moment and have really been trying to do that ever since with all of them. (Now if I could just get Jer on board :)
I'm really sad to hear of yet another miscarriage Mel. I can only imagine how hard it must be. I'm so glad you turn to our Heavenly Father and I'm glad we know how much he loves us! See you next Monday beautiful woman!

Melanie said...

Oh Celeste...I just love you. You have certainly been an example of this to me. I have watched you "evolve" as a mom and loved it. I can't wait to see you next week. It has been FAR TOO LONG!

Kristen and Alex said...

LOVE this idea! Melanie....I am SO much like you. I am totally impatient about everything and so not appreciative of what I have right in front of me. I'm ALWAYS looking forward to the future and the next thing and the next adventure...never enjoying what I have RIGHT NOW. So...Thank you for putting this into such sweet words because it is what I need right now too. This 3rd pregnancy has been a lot harder on me and has definitely made me appreciate more what I have already because I don't know what the future holds for me as far as having more children. We will have to see, but I love the 2 I have now and I am seeing that more and more and I need to SAVOR that EVERYDAY and be forever grateful for them and the joy they are bringing to my life NOW. Thank you!

Kristen and Alex said...

Oh...and I LOVE all the pictures of your boys! They are SO adorable!

Kara said...

thank you for writing this, Mel.

Sheri said...

I LOVE this post! Such a good reminder especially as we are about to enter into the newborn world again. With my last one I found myself just wishing the time away until he was more independant. Being that this is our last one I want to be sure to get onboard "project savor" as well! Thanks.

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

This is such a beautiful, beautiful post. I loved it and almost cried. I love your attitude and your willingness to slow down and savor what is yours and what is here. Thank you for reminding me of the need to do the same.

I am so sorry about your miscarriage. God bless you, Melanie.

Christy said...

I love this post, Mel! You know how some people say "every woman is a mother, whether she has children or not"? I disagree. Mothers sacrifice so much for their children and I don't think anyone really realizes how much unless they've been there. That being said, there are also those super sweet, joyful moments (although they might be few and far between)you get to share with your family that those of us who don't have kids will never know. I'm so glad you can recognize and get to savor those moments!! It has to make the whole sacrifice part of things a little easier to bear. I love you and can't wait to see you guys (and you do have a houseful of super cute little guys!)

Rebecca said...

in the mouth of two or three witnesses!! thank you for this important message - one that I have been receiving from different sources the past few months. the past is gone, the future hasn't happened yet, the now is a gift - that's why it is called the present!!

Melanie said...

Kristen, I watch you with your kids and I am reminded of myself a lot. You are one busy mama and doing the best you can. :) I'm so happy for you and your new little one. :)

Kara--you are welcome. Hang in there my beautiful lady friend. This too shall pass (and you will be better off for it).

Sheri--Hold this one extra long. Pray for it to never grow up and enjoy each moment of each phase. That word "last" is such a bittersweet one, yes?

Tina---Thank you. My goal is to make others cry...ha ha ha...just kidding. I'm glad you enjoyed it. Thank you for your well wishes. I certainly feel extra blessing from the thoughts and prayers on my behalf.

Christy---you know I love you. And you know what, YES, mothers do make a lot of sacrifices but don't sell yourself short. You are amazing and I wish you'd move closer to us....forsake everyone else and come life by us (selfishly speaking, of course). 5 days and counting.

And Becky....my good friend Messy...How I just love you. :) You are right...now is a gift. Perhaps if we just keep reminding each other of that on occasion it will eventually sink it.

Thank you everyone for your encouraging words. I'm bound to get back on my feet again...and least I'm going to try my hardest to. :) Love you all.

Lisa Merkley said...

So beautiful Mel. I've thought about this a bit lately too. I think I have decided that especially this summer, I'm just gonna stop worrying about what I need to accomplish and enjoy my kids while I can. Already I've seen improvement in my relationship with J.

Love the pics of those boys. I love those boys and I miss them being at my house. And I especially love and miss their mamma!

Melanie said...

Oh Lisa...we miss you guys too. Dearly!!! It's amazing how just a little bit of attention and affection can go such a long way. And yet, how can we allow ourselves, as mothers, to forget so easily? I wish I knew. Love you!

Unknown said...

Hi, I found you through Tina's blog and want to say hello. I loved this post, I really need to "savor" too. I look forward to what is next so much I forget to treasure the present. Your boys are beautiful ..you have been blessed. I have 3 children and 4 grandchildren, they grow so quickly.

Melanie said...

Krystal Lynn,
Thanks for visiting. People always tell me to enjoy them now because soon the will be gone. And most of the time I think...good riddance...let's just get on with it then. :) I'm trying to change that. I don't want to regret that when they finally ARE gone.

I hope you come back often and visit.

Katie and Brandon said...

I know you posted this forever ago... but I'm just now getting around to it.

Thanks for your thoughts Mel. They were perfectly stated. I am guilty of the same thing... So anxious for the "next thing" that I forget about what I have right now.

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