February 11, 2012

It's hard to admit...I am NOT Superwoman.

as defined by Wikipedia:
In sociology the term superwoman has been used to describe a Western woman who works hard to manage multiple roles of a worker, a homemaker, a volunteer, a student etc....The term derived a number of expressions, such as superwoman syndrome, superwoman squeeze (a pressure on a superwoman to perform well in her multiple roles), and superwoman complex (an expectation of a superwoman that she can and should do everything).  The notion of "superwoman" differs from that of "career woman" in that the latter one commonly includes sacrifice of the family life in favor of career, while a superwoman strives to excel in both.
 Sound familiar? 

You know the Lord said that He wouldn't give us more than we can handle?  Right?  Well...he doesn't have to.  We do a pretty good job of doing it to ourselves.  And unfortunately, as in the case with me, when we try so hard to be "Super" in the eyes of the world, we often lose sight of Him and His purposes.

I don't know exactly HOW it happened....although I have a pretty good idea.  It really doesn't matter today....just that is has happened is enough.

I've become blind to Him...out of contact...out of touch, and my heart is heavy because of it.

It makes me want to crawl into a deep dark hole....leave the world and it's over achieving ridiculousness behind....and nurse my poor battered soul.

And I'm going to try....I have to try.

Such a far cry from where I was just a year ago.

The Darkness had vanished.  My soul was soaring, my faith renewed.  HOPE was bursting out of me and I was ready to do His will.  That's ALL I wanted to do.  I had a sense of purpose...a sense of direction....and felt so close to my Father in Heaven and His Son Jesus Christ.

This fall my emotions teetered...and I lost focus.  I went in search of balance...and put my efforts in the wrong place.

And now I've lost it all.  I can't even talk to Him.  Not that I don't want to.  I just never seem to have anything to say.  I'm empty inside and I feel alone.  Not because He has left me alone...He NEVER leaves us alone...but because I feel I've abandoned Him. 

Last night, well actually early this morning (my poor sleep deprived husband), I had a break down.  I cried.  A lot.

It's hard to admit just how far I've fallen.  And that I let it happen.

I'm down....really down....okay, depressed....AGAIN! (there, I said it)

I've been trying to hide it.  When my husband asked "why?" I answered honestly, "because I don't want people to worry about me again....I just can't go back there."

And I hope I don't have to...

I know what I need to do.

I really do need to climb into a deep dark hole and nurse my wounded soul.  There are just so many distractions "out here".  Spiritual Kryptonite, if you will.   It zaps away all my energy.  I need to give up all the things that are taking me, my time, and my focus away from God and this little band of XY's he has given me stewardship over.

I'm not saying all distractions are bad.  Some of them are good, positive, worthy things.  But maybe now is not the time for them.  Not if engaging in them is leaving me feeling empty inside.

So why is it so hard to let go?  I have a few ideas.  But that's a discussion for another time.

I'm on the path, though.  I hope.  For starters, I've announced a furlough from my other-other blog.  Just for a while.  The pressure to "perform" there is just too great.   And the amount of time networking and marketing is ridiculous ye necessary.  It's suffocating.  I just can't do it right now.

I honestly don't know what will happen to MMUW.  It's different here.  I've always felt like God is IN this work....not taking me away from Him.  I feel good when I'm here.  So many of you have become my friends.  I don't feel pressure....I just write when I'm "feeling" it and don't when I'm not (which is why there has not been much here lately).  I'm sure it will continue that way.

I may have to check out of facebook (again) and give up Pinterest (gasp).

We'll just have to wait and see.  I'm getting ahead of myself here.  One thing at a time.

P.S. I love to hear from you!
Leave a comment or e-mail me at melaniesmethodicalmusings at gmail dot com Top Mommy Blogs - Mom Blog Directory


Kim said...


It's hard to fall back, especially after you've been doing so well. The good thing is, you know you can get out of it because you've done it before. Sometimes that's the only bit of hope I have to hang on to. Just do like you said--step back from all the distractions and focus on your needs/health for a while. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

Melanie said...

Thanks Kim....and you are right. I have been there, and I will be back again. I HOPE! :)

Irks Harding said...

Mel, I love you! You never stop hopping for good. Nothing matter, only 1.you, 2.your family, and 3.relation ship with Him. You number one!
Often distraction by doing something else works for me. Be your self.

Mom of 12 said...

January is hard for me too. But the weather is so beautiful here and it's starting to feel like spring. Good luck finding your happy place!

Me said...

Oh, Mel- so sorry to hear (read?) all of this. But at least God doesn't get "mad" at you for not talking to Him, nor does He judge you on how you're "performing". It's okay! It's going to be okay! You have FOUR little ones-I go nuts with "just" three. I think of it at post-partum part two: when they're getting just old enough for you to start wondering what you're going to be doing with the rest of your life-and wonder what your purpose is beyond them. I should say that you're purpose right now is your children, but people tell me that and I give them an evil stare, so I definitely won't say that to you. What about your meds. Are you on the ones you were on before? What about the MTHFR? What else can you do? I'm thinking about you!-JL

DancingPrincessDesigns said...

Just seeing this, but wanted to reach out (which I am TERRIBLE at right now thanks to the Tasmanian Devil) and say I LOVE YOU!!! Hang in there!

Grumpy Grateful Mom said...

I'm praying for you girl! And I like how you said, "some of them are good, positive, worthy things. But maybe now is not the time for them. " I'm feeling the same lately. Gotta give up some things right now and change my focus. Though doing that is a little painful!

Celeste said...

It is so hard for me to read this. (Sorry it's so late in reading) I Love you Mel!! You are such a good person and I hate that I can't help you feel and see that all the time. I have no doubts, though, that you can make it through this!! I'm glad you know that your Heavenly Father loves you!! He will patiently wait for you to come to him and you will find that like in the poem "Footprints in the Sand", he has carried you. I love you!! Keep trying.

Emmy said...

I know personally, just admitting it- finally coming clean how I feel and that I need help is so so healing itself. I hope things can start getting better for you

Anonymous said...


Have you ever considered that you haven't lost it all and you haven't fallen back, but maybe you've just gotten used to a new level of spirituality? What was new is now the new normal and that you're still climbing but it's steep and the going is slow? Don't lose heart. You're going up, you're still looking up.

Melanie said...

No, I guess I hadn't thought of it that way. Thank you for saying so....that's very kind.

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